Aaaauuugggghhhhh
-A mini play in two parts

Scene begins.... Corey Patterson walks into manager Dusty Baker's office holding a light bulb over his head. Baker sighs....

Baker - "What's up Corey?"

CP -  "I had an idea, Skip."

Baker - "I guessed that. What is it Corey?"

CP -  "I think I should hit leadoff. Vince Coleman said I should, and even though you, Gene Clines, Gary Matthews, and about a dozen other coaches told me that, I finally decided that Vince is right. I'm fast, you know.

Baker -  "You are that. You run out to your position as fast as that guy who played right field last year. I can't recall seeing you on the bases recently, but... what made you change your mind?"

CP  - "I've been playing myself on the PS2. I traded myself to the Cardinals and I'm batting leadoff and playing centerfield. Vince was a Cardinal, you know. Anyway, in the game, that Corey is really fast and the computer puts me in the leadoff spot.  So I decided I should hit leadoff. Can I? Can I?"

Baker - "(pauses) OK, dog, we'll give it a shot"

CP - "Groovy! I gotta go comb out my baby fro before the game now. You won't be sorry, skip. I can do a lot of damage at the top of the order. Vince said so!"

---- Intermission ----

Scene - Baker returns to his office following another heartbreaking loss. He lets out a bloodcurdling, Charlie Brown-esque scream as he slams the door shut. On a TV in the office, a talking head is speaking about Patterson, his "leadoff hitter", who just went 0-5 with four K's.

TV Guy - "And when he did make contact, his weak bloop turned into a forceout, hurting the Cubs comeback chances."

- Patterson knocks and enters the room. He seems calm and unflustered. -

CP - "Well Skip, what do you think? Not bad, eh? If that darn Jerry Hairston hadn't screwed up the play I would have had a hit. At least I scored a run."

Baker - (obviously straining to keep his cool) - Corey, Corey you struck out four times. It was nearly five. It might have been better if it had been. We have pitchers who hit better than that."

CP - "Yeah, Vince said I get a hat. A Golden Sobrero! I'll probably melt it down and make it into a nice No. 20 pendant. Or maybe just a picture of myself on a belt buckle. I'm excited. I have never gotten a sombero before. I think they are from Mexico."

Baker - "Corey.... I... I just don't know what to say. What do you think about a trip to Iowa? Just to work things out?"

CP- "Vince said you might say something like that, and he told me to say 'no'. He said if I went to Iowa I wouldn't get my sombrero. He said I could keep doing a lot of damage if stay in the big leagues. Oooh, look, Sponge-Bob is on! See you, Skip!."

--Patterson runs out the door. The camera pans past a slumped Baker and through the door and down a dark corridor, where a solitary figure has stood listening to the conversation. With a dark chuckle, the figure turns and walks down the corridor, his once speedy gate now hindered by now-ancient accident with a automatic tarp. The image fades as the camera settles on a red and gold ring that reads 1987 National League Champions.

- Finis -