Citing the recent Cub swoon that has all but eliminated the Cubs from a World Championship for the 98th consecutive year, Cub leader Andy McFail announced the firing today of GM Jim Hendry saying, "We appreciate Jim's efforts to make us competitive, but during this time of tribulation we believe it necessary to go in a different direction. As our 98 year record has shown, we're really not that good at this baseball thing, so we looked outside of baseball for a new GM. One name jumped out at us as easily the best choice. A young man who grew up in this area, who went on to play ball and kiss Magic Johnson, then after retirement went on to destroy an entire league. We believe ultimately he'll destroy the National League leaving the Cubs as perennial pennant winners. I'd like to introduce you to former Knickerbocker GM, Isiah Thomas. Isiah."

"Thank you Andy. Before taking questions, I'd like to announce the following actions that I've taken. First it's important that my own man direct the day to day field operations, so Dusty Baker has been replaced by my old teammate Dennis Rodman, who has been given a 4 year $40 million deal. Dennis will bring to the Cubs the necessary intellect and discipline to make us winners. We will not be abused by opposing players or umpires again. While Dennis may not know baseball strategy, it's been decades since anyone around here has. In keeping with my successful method honed in New York, I've signed Kerry Wood and Mark Prior to 10 year $100 million contracts each. Zambrano and Maddox were traded to the Yankees for draft picks in 2009 because you can never have enough draft picks. Consistent with my philosophy of bringing in the best athlete available and to bring excitement to our great fans, we engineered a several team  swap and received Barry Bonds, Fred McGriff, Rafael Palmeiro, Randy Johnson and three players to be named someday for Barrett (who is about to be suspended), Marshall, Murton, Rammirez and Cedeno.

We believe with these moves we've become a premium team and so we're raising all tickets to premium levels for the remainder of the year before adding a 20% surcharge to next years ticket prices. Also, no items will be allowed into the games and pay toilets have been installed. Thank you and good day."

See folks, things could be worse.