Today, children, we'll learn the alphabet, Cubs style:
A is for Aardsma, who pitched well today.
B is for Boring. This game was Boring.
C is for Can't Anyone Play This Here Game? (With apologies to Casey Stengel)
D is for Dusty Baker. It also stands for another word I won't use here.
E is for Eyre, who also pitched well today, even though it was ultimately meaningless.
F is for Fast. What, were the Cubs trying to beat the rush-hour traffic to the airport?
G is for Good. The Red Sox and Yankees were rained out tonight, so ESPN will have to acknowlege there are other major league teams worthy of televising.
H is for Help, something the Cubs could use quite a bit of, particularly Offensive Help.
I is for "It's Only A Model", a famous quote from Monty Python & the Holy Grail. Why is this here? Because I had finished this entire post and my browser burped and it was gone, and I can't remember what I wrote for the letter "I" the first time. Trust me when I tell you it was clever and filled with pathos.
J is for Jacque and for Jones and why was he not starting today, hot as he is?
K is the scorecard symbol for striKeout. That's one thing the Cubs didn't do too much of today -- only two.
L is for yet another Loss.
M is for Marshall, who threw one of the best games of his career, only to get one of the letters just above added to his record.
N is for NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Ron Santo's famous phrase. Perhaps it's best that he missed this series. It would have only made his illness worse.
O is a letter, but the Cubs have been putting up far too many scoreboard numbers that look like that letter lately.
P is for Pierre. Why bother with speed if you're never on base?
Q is for Quick. See "F for Fast". Also see "P for Pierre".
R is for Ramirez. I use his name here because he seems to have vanished. Anyone seen him or his bat or glove lately?
S is for Sampson. Hard to believe this guy was a released minor league shortstop a few years back.
T is for TAKE A PITCH SOMETIME, WILLYA????
U is for the Umpires, who actually got one right when they called Jason Lane's long HR-distance drive in the fifth inning foul (replays confirmed this). It gave brief hope that the Cubs could come back and win. Oh, well.
V is for Victory, something the Cubs have had far too few of the last few weeks.
W is for Win. See above.
X stands for what we'd all like to do with games like this.
Y is for Yawn, which is what you do quite a bit of during B-for-Boring games like this one.
Z. Did you know the Cubs once had a minor-leaguer named Mitch Zwolensky? He never made it above Triple-A. If he had, he'd have replaced Dutch Zwilling to become the last alphabetical listing in the baseball encyclopedias. Zwilling is a former Cub, so with Aardsma now first alphabetically, the Cubs have both.
Not that that has anything to do with today's frustrating 1-0 loss to the Astros; it's just an interesting anecdote.
The game was quick. It was boring. And it is over. Maybe they'll do better this weekend in Cincinnati.
That's all, kids. Nighty-night.