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My Night In Hell

My seats were amazing.  I was five rows back from the Cubs dugout within an arms throw of home plate.  But besides the miserable score, pitiful playing, and the large sweaty woman who kept wiping her dripping forehead before handing me my hot dog with more salt in it than the Dead Sea... the night offered even more atrocities to keep my therapist busy and well-paid for quite some time.

1.  I got a better look at the cheerleaders
Remember in high school how there were the cheerleaders, and then there was the Flag Corp? The Flag Corp was comprised of the girls who couldn't make the cheerleading team - slightly lumpy, uncoordinated girls who spent their weekends watching taped episodes of Square Pegs and wondering what Pearle Vision store might carry those fabulous plastic rims SJP was sporting.  These are the girls the Reds have hired to "motivate the masses".  They didn't dance so much as pantomime how hard it was to squeeze themselves into the spandex they were stuffed in that was two sizes too small. Their shiny Hooters tights weren't enough to contain the bulging flesh that was trying desperately to breathe.  And they couldn't quite figure out how to use the slingshot they were given to catapult t-shirts into the crowd, resulting in many "misfires" - including one that hit a small child.  The guilty "cheerleader" responded the only way she knew how - giggling and than pointing at the small child, which just confused it more.

2. Good Family Fun
Mr. Red, who is a top-heavy mascot with a stuffed shirt and large baseball for a head, not only ignored children that wanted his autograph, but also decided to take baseball rivalry to a new low.  Around the 6th inning, he got up on the Cubs dugout and grabbed a man's Cubs hat off of his head.  He waved it around, rubbed it in his armpit and then to the horror to the 3 people with human decency in the surrounding areas proceeded to WIPE HIS ASS with it.  The two small children sitting next to the hatless Cubs fan (adorably clad in Cubs gear, BTW) started to cry as if wondering, "Why is Mr. Red doing this to Daddy?" The Reds fans cheered him on in their drunken stupors, and I watched one fan ("Daddy, why does that man's eyes match his Reds jersey?") fall over into another row with his hands conveniently landing on a female Cubs fans chest.   This of course was met with even more cheering from the Reds fans.  I'm not sure if this is all a part of Great American's attempt to have the all-American baseball experience, but I for one was appalled.  Especially with so many children around.  What are we teaching them?

3. Speaking of Teaching
There was a Reds fan father sitting in front of me teaching is son about baseball.  Unfortunately, the man didn't know anything about the sport. He kept confusing a sinker and a slider, and at one point told his son that Adam Dunn was known as "Mr. Defense".  So it didn't surprise us that at one point the kid was devastated that the ump called a ball on one of the Reds batters.  "Nooooooo!!!!!"

My friend Michelle who joined me last night, apologized profusely on behalf of the city of Cincinnati and said she was truly embarrassed at everything she had witnessed.  I, in turn, apologized for her having to watch Neifi Perez pinch hit with a .192 average.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or Al Yellon, managing editor (unless it's a FanPost posted by Al). FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable baseball fans.

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Oh, I forgot to mention
how much fun I had yelling at Larry and Dusty as Larry was walking back from the mound after the back to back jacks Rusch allowed.  What was that? A mild scolding?
she

by Sarah Hope on Jun 9, 2006 8:09 AM CDT reply actions  

for a chuckle
This reminds of a famous story which I think was
about  Sutcliff in which he gave up I think 3 homers in the first 4 innings of a game. The game was some visiting park where they did those fireworks displays after one of their players hit a homer The pitching coach came out to the mound to see Sutcliff
after the third jack and Sutcliff was in a bad mood and just
barked " Are you going to take me out or not ?"
and the coach replied "No I just wanted to give the fireworks
guy time to reload"

by jessica on Jun 9, 2006 9:42 AM CDT up reply actions  

Exactly.
Cincinnati has those bothersome fireworks as a part of their stimulus overload.

Looks, cheer on your favorite mascot in a foot race.  Wait, no, which plate of Skyline is the ball under? No, everyone dance for a chance to sit on a couch! Woohooo!!!

Hey, maybe we could watch the game while we're there too, huh?

she

by Sarah Hope on Jun 9, 2006 10:03 AM CDT up reply actions  

I hate Mr. Red.
He really is a poor excuse for a mascot.  Aside from the fact that it is a big stupid looking baseball for a head (how original), I once saw him performing lewd sexual gestures to a woman's backside at Fountain Square.  Now that was appauling!  

I swear, summer is the worst time to live in Cincinnati thanks to the Reds fans.  Of course in the fall, the Bungles fans come out in force.  Maybe there is no good time to live here...

by bjcub on Jun 9, 2006 8:21 AM CDT reply actions  

Eww!
I've always heard some rumors about The Gapper too.  What is wrong with people here?
she

by Sarah Hope on Jun 9, 2006 8:23 AM CDT up reply actions  

Is that...
Your one game this series or do you dare go back?
Poppppppppped it up...

by nextyearcub on Jun 9, 2006 8:48 AM CDT reply actions  

I'm in for the long haul.
Tonight I'll be sitting next to some BCBers, so that will probably be a lot better.

Plus I'm taking my dad, so he'll protect me. Ha!

The other two games I have those awesome seats again.  I have a picture that I took on my phone that shows how close they are, but I don't know how to post it.

she

by Sarah Hope on Jun 9, 2006 8:50 AM CDT up reply actions  

Well
in light of this I will be praying for your safe return.
...the artist formerly priorpwnz.

by Faith plus 1 on Jun 9, 2006 8:53 AM CDT up reply actions  

I think we are going to have to re-evaluate
your mission.

Sigh. Perhaps I should have sent elschorcho instead.

"Aw, how could he lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico!"--Harry Caray

by cubbiejulie on Jun 9, 2006 8:50 AM CDT reply actions  

Oh you bastard.
No! I am the one! My name means Neo in my made up language.

I will tell you though, that all of the Reds runs were scored while I was away from my seat.  Just saying...

she

by Sarah Hope on Jun 9, 2006 8:52 AM CDT up reply actions  

Tonight
just take the damn blue pill and stay in your seat.
"Aw, how could he lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico!"--Harry Caray

by cubbiejulie on Jun 9, 2006 8:56 AM CDT up reply actions  

this is where
I get confused, are we talking about Prozac or are we talking about 'the blue pill'?
...the artist formerly priorpwnz.

by Faith plus 1 on Jun 9, 2006 8:57 AM CDT up reply actions  

I will strap myself down.
I don't want anymore sweaty food anyway.  
she

by Sarah Hope on Jun 9, 2006 9:06 AM CDT up reply actions  

I think you
should change your name to Trinity for tonight. Then go out and do some of those slow-motion flying kicks on Neifi.

"I know kung fu."

"Show me."

Poppppppppped it up...

by nextyearcub on Jun 9, 2006 9:11 AM CDT up reply actions  

The answer is out there, Neifi
and it's looking for you.

And by the "answer" and "you" I mean "my foot" and "your ass"

she

by Sarah Hope on Jun 9, 2006 9:15 AM CDT up reply actions  

Ha Ha Ha
That's classic.  Save some for Freddie and Glendon.

by pageian on Jun 9, 2006 10:05 AM CDT up reply actions  

I dare you...

I dare you to order a hot dog tonight... :)

by Ghost of Fred Merkle on Jun 9, 2006 9:48 AM CDT up reply actions  

Oh, and it must be said.
Upon further examination of Arroyo's ever-so-unique leg kick, it is decided that his kick is not a kick at all.  Rather, it has the beginnings of a piorette going into a half-flakie reverse wim-wam with a heelback spiral.

As if the cornrows weren't girly enough.

she

by Sarah Hope on Jun 9, 2006 9:28 AM CDT reply actions  

well
on the upside you won't have to see him again this series

and I think the current buzzword is metrosexual

"In this life there are nothing but possibilities."

by flyball on Jun 9, 2006 11:09 AM CDT up reply actions  

Doesn't that suck?
Having good seats and watching your team lose?  I hate it.  My seats were not as good as yours, but they were very close to the field at Wrigley.

We trust you, Sarah.  You have to stop this losing streak.  

Cubbie Blue will always sPaRkLe in my eyes, but please stop losing. PLEASE!

by sparkles721 on Jun 9, 2006 9:34 AM CDT reply actions  

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