FanPost

Thursday OBD: Quit Your Whining! Edition

Yes, I did not have time to do the OBD yesterday. Work called, and I was slammed pretty much from morning until 5:00. But look, you are all alive. You all made it through an entire DAY without an OBD. Despite all the whining and bellyaching, you all survived. I hope this gives you strength going forward.

The Heckler reports bad news for our beloved Bears this Sunday, as it appears that even Dubya is taking sides in this one (note: This article is passed along without political comment, just because it's funny):

President Bush orders the Bears to lose
Says a Saints Super Bowl appearance will 'fix' New Orleans
The Bears Report, Wednesday, Jan., 17, 2007

Following a recent dispatch of more troops to the Mideast, President Bush is once again attempting to correct a previous wrong. The Commander in Chief has told the Bears they must lose this Sunday and give the people of New Orleans and their Saints a trip to Super Bowl XLI.

"My administration failed to prepare New Orleans for a Category 5 hurricane," Bush said. "Due to this major oversight, the levees were not secure, which could have saved many lives, avoided destruction of numerous homes and businesses. I will fix this by declaring the Saints as the victors of the NFC."

Unhappy about the President's decision, head coach Lovie Smith remained levelheaded about the situation.  

"Would we certainly like a chance to play in the Super Bowl," said Smith. "But this is a direct order from the President. What else can we do? We'll just have to look to next year and maybe hope for a natural disaster of our own."

While it seems Smith and the Bears will follow the commands, there has been a backlash from Bears fans.

"He's just upset Illinois was a blue state in both '00 and '04," said Bears fan and Democrat Jessica Keller. "Maybe once Obama's in the White House we'll have four years of Bears Super Bowl victories."

Damn. I was really looking forward to the game, too. Oh well.

Good news for the Jordan family:

Recently Divorced Michael Jordan Announces Plans To Return To Marriage

HIGHLAND PARK, IL--After a one-month stint as a bachelor--a move that many say made the once great husband and father look "silly," "out-of-place," and "almost mortal"--Michael Jordan confirmed he was returning to his marriage with two simple words faxed to his wife Juanita's attorneys: "I'm back."

Jordan's return to his wife, with whom he had an illustrious 17-year marriage where he helped achieve three consecutive children, has the entire world wondering if Jordan will be able to gain the respect needed to lead his family back to the level of love and affection they were at before the divorce.

"Listen, Michael Jordan loves having a successful marriage, he loves the challenge, and he loves the day in and day out grind of being a caring father and husband," said NBA analyst Steven A. Smith, admitting that, in the time Jordan was away from his wife, it was odd seeing him strike out with most women, and barely reaching first base with others. "Michael Jordan belongs with Juanita, Jeffery, Marcus, and Jasmine. Period."

"He makes the entire family better just by being in the same house as them," Smith added.

Added Michael Wilbon: "Jordan may not be the best husband and father anymore, but he is still better than 99 percent of the other husbands in this world."

Heh. That's gold, Jerry. Gold!

The truth about Doug Mientkiewicz FINALLY comes out:

Returned 2004 World Series Ball: 'Doug Mientkiewicz Physically And Mentally Abused Me'

BOSTON--The baseball that made the final out in the 2004 World Series has been returned to its rightful owners, capping off a tumultuous 18 months during which the ball says it experienced "extreme physical and emotional trauma" at the hands of former Red Sox first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz, who ran off with the ball following the Boston's sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals.  

"I know that the ordeal is over now, and I'm aware that this sort of thing happens to baseballs every day, but Doug Mientkiewicz took a part of me that I will never get back," said the scuffed, dirty ball, which will be restored to its original condition by trained professionals in the coming weeks. "Mr. Mientkiewicz absconded with me, and brought me into a world of lies and deception for his own petty financial gain. He locked me inside a small box for months at a time for what he called 'safe keeping.' I can tell you, there is nothing safe about darkness."

I never trusted that guy. Something about all those consontants too close together in his name. I find it suspicious.

Finally, a classic Onion bit that never fails to make me spit out whatever I'm drinking:

Augusta National Honors Tiger Woods With Own Drinking Fountain

AUGUSTA, GA--Augusta National, home of the Masters Tournament, honored 1997 Masters champion Tiger Woods Monday, giving him his own drinking fountain at the prestigious country club.

Tiger Woods, 1997 Masters champion, was honored by Augusta National officials with his own separate, clearly labeled fountain.
"Tiger, for your historic achievement, setting an all-time Masters Tournament record, we present you with this beautiful, specially designated drinking fountain," said Augusta National president Gary Brewer. "All other golfers will drink from a different fountain, which you, as an honored champion, will have no need to use."

The new fountain, clearly labeled "Tiger Woods," will be located behind the outhouse between the 16th and 17th holes, far away from the distractions of other golfers.

A sad, but hopeful, update on my favorite BFF, LiLo:

In what must come as a relief to both concerned fans and her liver, Lindsay Lohan has checked herself into rehab. In a statement released through her rep on Wednesday, the starlet said: "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time." The catalyst, apparently, was Prince's big post-Golden Globes bash -- Page Six reports that she was found passed out in a hotel hallway after partying until 6 a.m. Us Weekly writes that she checked into Wonderland Center in Los Angeles Wednesday afternoon.

God speed Linds. Do we want to lay odds on how long until she is scooped up by the Scientologists? I'm surprised they didn't have people lurking in the shadows to throw her into the back of a van.

In other BFF news:

Sad news from Vienna, Austria -- Paris Hilton will be attending the city's famous Opera Ball next month, but Britney Spears, who was supposed to come with her, is no longer on the list. Christina Lugner, who invited Hilton to attend, explains, "They unfortunately do not get along anymore."

Whew. I think this means we take move the doomsday clock back two minutes, does it not? Paris, Brit, the human race thanks you.

Finally, for your viewing pleasure, the grossest Will It Blend? yet.

5 songs on my iPod:

Missing You: John Waite
I Got Stripes: Johnny Cash
Here, There & Everywhere: The Beatles
Bad: U2
Somebody Told Me: The Killers

QOTD:  What are you avoiding by reading this diary?

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or Al Yellon, managing editor (unless it's a FanPost posted by Al). FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable baseball fans.

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