FanPost

Friday OBD: Weekend Starts Early Edition

Well, the weekend isn't really starting early. I'm housebound today with a very sick little boy. This is also why I am up working on this diary at 6:23 am.

First up, The Onion continues its look back at the best sports stories of 2006, including this one, which seems oddly relevant once again:

Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract

 HOUSTON--Representatives from the Clemens family met with the star pitcher over an informal dinner Tuesday evening to discuss the possibility of keeping Roger Clemens home for one more season, sources close to the family reported.

Baseball analysts are calling the one-year, $10 million contract a last-ditch effort on the family's part to bring the seven-time Cy Young Award winner and three-time World's Greatest Dad back to his roots.

According to reports, the contract is a one-year deal with a family option for a second year should Clemens perform well in his new role as husband and father. Much of the $10 million will be deferred to allow the family to accommodate his other demands, particularly the custom recliner and the vanity plates for his Hummer. According to Debbie, this contract is nearly identical to the one Clemens signed to join the family initially.

The incentive-laden deal includes a signing bonus of $2 million, and gives Clemens the chance to earn an extra $3 million if he makes an appearance in at least 25 family game nights over the course of the summer, plus an additional $250,000 every time he plays a regulation round of catch with one of his sons. Under the terms of the contract, Clemens would not be obligated to attend away visits to Debbie's mother's house.

Debbie added that the family would have the right to terminate the contract at any point, however, should Clemens ever get caught cheating.

Some experts say that the aging right-hander is no longer focused or dedicated enough to be a leader in the household. However, many maintain that, should Clemens decide to rejoin his wife and children, he will quickly adjust to handling the responsibility and expectations that come with a lucrative contract.

Some analysts, however, say the Houston Astros, who last week formally offered him a $12 million deal, have the strongest chance of landing the pitcher, as Clemens himself has said that the most important thing for him right now is "being close to home."

"At this stage in his career, Roger Clemens is interested in winning, and I think it's safe to say that his family has no chance of even getting to the World Series," analyst Peter Gammons said. "The Astros organization is full of familiar faces, people with whom he has grown unusually close, and I get the sense that the people there truly care about him. You can't find that sort of unconditional love just anywhere."

"And when you think about it, $12 million is an awful lot of money," Gammons added.

Clemens' agent Randy Hendricks said that, although the family does present a lot of advantages that other teams simply cannot offer, Clemens is still undecided about where and with whom he wants to spend the 2006 season.

"They gave a fair offer, and these folks are certainly in the running," Hendricks said. "Roger is keeping all his options open for now, and I'm sure that, just as they have in the past, his family will be supportive of whatever decision he ultimately makes."

Clemens has refused to address speculation that his recent visits to the family have been an attempt to coax more money out of competing organizations.

"Sure, Roger may have created a rift with these people, who once claimed to be his 'biggest fans,' but he now has a chance to rectify all that and see his career come full circle," said Olney, noting that if Clemens doesn't take his family's offer now, that opportunity might not present itself again. "He has a shared emotional bond with them that he has only previously experienced with the Red Sox, maybe the Yanks."

"Whether he likes it or not, Roger Clemens is practically a part of this family," Olney added.

Typical. If Roger would pitch in a little more around the house, Debbie would probably have a lot more time to devote to bedazzling things, which would help defray some of that money he'd be losing by not pitching next year. Besides, how is she to KNOW what team cap she needs to bedazzle unless he makes up his mind where he is going to pitch? It's freakin' January already, Roger! All those caps aren't going to sequin themselves! Men: they're so inconsiderate.

Also, it appears from Debbie's Homepage that she has apparently won some kind of award. Good on ya, Debs. I don't see Roger winning any awards. Well, except those Cy Young things, but HERS was for working with blind people. I  don't see Roger working with any blind people. And no, Neifi and Boom Boom do not count.

Is anyone other than me following the story about the supposed UFO at O'Hare recently?

It sounds like a tired joke--but a group of airline employees insist they are in earnest, and they are upset that neither their bosses nor the government will take them seriously.

A flying saucerlike object hovered low over O'Hare International Airport for several minutes before bolting through thick clouds with such intense energy that it left an eerie hole in overcast skies, said some United Airlines employees who observed the phenomenon.

Was it an alien spaceship? A weather balloon lost in the airspace over the world's second-busiest airport? A top-secret military craft? Or simply a reflection from lights that played a trick on the eyes?

Officials at United professed no knowledge of the Nov. 7 event--which was reported to the airline by as many as a dozen of its own workers--when the Tribune started asking questions recently. But the Federal Aviation Administration said its air traffic control tower at O'Hare did receive a call from a United supervisor asking if controllers had spotted a mysterious elliptical-shaped craft sitting motionless over Concourse C of the United terminal.

No controllers saw the object, and a preliminary check of radar found nothing out of the ordinary, FAA spokeswoman Elizabeth Isham Cory said.

Of course, I'm not an expert on UFOs, but I DO watch a lot of shows on government cover-up conspiracies regarding UFOs on the Discovery Channel. And I can tell you one thing: telling people that a UFO was actually a cloud formation is the LAMEST FAA cover-up excuse ever. In order to do my duty as a citizen and assist my government in better covering-up UFO phenomena in this country, I humbly offer this list of better UFO explanations (for future use):


  • it was a weather balloon
  • people who saw UFO crazy/on crack/need to clean their eyeglasses
  • Brick Tamland is not a reliable witness
  • witnesses suffereing paranoid delusions brought on by close proximity to government-operated nuclear waste dump
  • you can't trust anything those stupid bloggers say
  • it was experimental military aircraft
  • witnesses suffering paranoid delusions brought on by living in close proximity to government-operated nuclear tetst site
  • witnesses were Cubs fans; they also believe in Santa Claus, Bigfoot, and the Tooth Fairy
  • A special edition of Will It Blend? for all the golf buffs out there.

    In GREAT news from our friends in the UK today, it appears that there is a chance that The Police might reunite for a concert tour. Oh please, oh please, oh please let this be true. If I get nothing else that I want for the rest of the year, please let this be true.

    Today, a special treat for those of you who constantly complain that you never see anything on watering hole cam, there is now also Bear Cam, which features grizzly bears on some mountain somewhere. And guess what? The bears are hibernating right now, so they are always there! Take a gander at the big lumps of beardom laying in the corner. 5 songs on my iPod:

  • Your Little Hoodrat Friend: The Hold Steady
  • Magic Johnson: RHCP
  • The Unwelcome Stranger: Billy Bragg & Wilco
  • Dirty Old Town: The Pogues
  • Photograph: Def Leppard
  • QOTD: Why do you spend so much time at this freakin' site instead of on something more imporant?

    This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or Al Yellon, managing editor (unless it's a FanPost posted by Al). FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable baseball fans.

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