It's freakin -4 degrees out there right now. Gah! I love winter, but this is getting ridiculous. Nothing like walking across the river in a skirt in weather like this. I can't say anymore without sharing too much.

We begin with The Heckler's first report from Spring Training:

Cubs pitchers report to camp, battle for use of training room remote control

Cubs pitchers and catchers reported to Mesa Wednesday, attempting to get in shape for the grueling MLB season. While the pitching staff will use spring training to jockey for spots in the starting rotation, define roles in the bullpen, and get accustomed to a new manager, one battle has already begun--the quest for possession of the coveted remote control of the training room television.

"I've been on this team for nine years," said training room veteran Kerry Wood, already injured from a hot tub fall. "My seniority should dictate I get to choose what to watch."

The competition for dominance of the remote in the training room would not be quite so heated if the pitcher's preference of shows wasn't so varied.

"Kerry's pretty particular about his shows," said Cubs training assistant Mike Gompertz.  "He likes to watch the reality courtroom dramas like Judge Mathis, Judge Judy, and especially Texas Justice. [Mark] Prior prefers game shows, and [Wade] Miller is big on soaps. He throws a hissy fit if he doesn't get to see 'his stories' and we don't like Wade to throw anything. It's not good for his career."

Already aware of these problems, new manager Lou Piniella devised a plan.

"We need to stress fundamentals this spring," said Piniella, "like quickly changing the channel during commercials, keeping the volume at one level, and constantly checking the batteries."

For the love of God, if the remote is in Prior's hand, please, PLEASE just leave it there. I can't even begin to fathom what kind of career-ending injury he could suffer in a fall from a papazan chair.

It's been a long time coming, but finally, all of us who hate Duke can have a good, long laugh at their expense:

Mike Krzyzewski Assures Duke Players That Team Is Ranked 26th

CHAPEL HILL, NC--Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski reassured his slumping basketball team, which fell from the national top-25 rankings for the first time in 11 years following losses to Virginia, Florida State, UNC, and Maryland that they are in fact the very first team to have fallen off the charts. "Don't worry, gentlemen, we're the first team listed once you get past all the those teams there in the poll," Krzyzewski said in a post-practice team meeting at which he unveiled a banner stating the new team philosophy, "Unbeaten In Practice Equals Practically Unbeaten." "Duke is not just another also-ran--we're the top shelf of the second tier of college basketball." Krzyzewski blamed his team's recent fall in the rankings to a combination of unusually even-handed officiating, and "vengeful" opposing teams "running up the score" to a total of one or more points than Duke's.

Take THAT, Christian Laettner, you big fat cheater. Stomping on people's HEADS during the Final Four. I HATE you!!!!! Hey. . .did I ever tell you guys that many of my friends believe I am responsible for Bobby Hurley's near death experience? It's true. Also, I once almost made him cry on Space Mountain. That rocked.

Speaking of near death experiences, have you guys seen this?!?!?!

CANBERRA, Australia - A German paraglider was encased in ice and blacked out after being sucked into a tornado-like thunderstorm in Australia and carried to a height greater than Mount Everest. She survived.

"The glider kept climbing, climbing and I couldn't see anything," recalled Ewa Wisnerska. "Then it got dark."

The 2005 World Cup winner was lifted 32,612 feet (9,940 meters) above sea level by the storm near Manilla in New South Wales state while preparing for the tenth FAI World Paragliding Championships next week.

Deeeeaaaammmmnnn. Maybe I won't complain about walking across the river in a skirt anymore today. Wow. That sounds. . . .really uncomfortable.

I love this guy

SAN JOSE, Calif. - A man whose habit of jogging in a park wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes said he would keep his clothes on after he was fined $95 for indecent exposure.

Darryl Delacruz, a Silicon Valley engineer, said he would miss the "liberating feeling" of running naked in Fremont Older Open Space Preserve. But he conceded his personal comfort was less important than the discomfort he caused others.

"I'll go back, but I'll be wearing clothes," he said. "I don't want people to have the wrong impression."

Stories like that make me wonder why all my friends are so boring. Would it kill one of you to loosen up a little? Try something new? Take up nude jogging so we have something new to talk about? Pfffft.

5 songs on my iPod:

Fall At Your Feet: Neil Finn

You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man: Loretta Lynn

Someone to Love: Queen

Sleep Now in the Fire: Rage Against The Machine

Can't Stand Losing You: The Police

QOTD: You are stranded on a desert island. You can take on personal item with you. What is it?

For me, it depends on whether anyone else is there. If so, it's mascara. If not, it's my iPod. I would learn to understand solar energy and harness the sun's power to charge it forever.

Today's Top Ten Hottest Cubs of All-Time

#6 Mike Bielecki

That's Hunky Mike with me & Sparkles at the Convention. Aren't we all dreamy?