FanPost

Monday OBD: Bald Edition

Before we start, let me just say that I bet I know EXACTLY why Britney shaved her head, and I'm surprised that no one has brought this up. She's in the middle of an ugly custody dispute with her husband. Drug tests are routinely requested and ordered by judges in custody cases. And they don't test for urine. They test, you guessed it, hair follicles. This is because drugs are detectable in hair for something like 90 days, whereas with urine it's usually less than 30 days. But if you get rid of your hair, you essentially get rid of all the evidence.

Just sayin.

For those of who loved "Waking Ned Devine," I give you the real life version. . . only without the charming Irish villagers, the scenic beauty, and . . . .uh, a lot more grossness:

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Police called to a Long Island man's house discovered the mummified remains of the resident, dead for more than a year, sitting in front of a blaring television set.

The 70-year-old Hampton Bays, New York, resident, identified as Vincenzo Ricardo, appeared to have died of natural causes. Police said on Saturday his body was discovered on Thursday when they went to the house to investigate a report of a burst water pipe.

"You could see his face. He still had hair on his head," Newsday quoted morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus as saying. The home's low humidity had preserved the body.

Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005.

Neighbors said when they had not seen Ricardo, who was diabetic and had been blind for years, they assumed he was in the hospital or a long-term care facility.

Awesome neighbors. It takes a village, people.

From the "their parents must be so proud"" files:

JERUSALEM - Israeli police investigating why a car was blocking traffic in the fast lane of a major highway on Sunday found a couple inside having sex.

A police spokesman said the female driver and her male passenger gave in to their passions without pulling over to the side of the road, causing congestion and leaving other motorists having to swerve to dodge their stationary vehicle.

A patrolman gave the woman a ticket for holding up traffic.

You guys were right, that beef jerky/fritos body lotion works wonders.

If you hate Michael Irvin as much as I do, you'll love this gem from The Heckler:

Irvin mourns ESPN firing with coke and whore binge

Same way he celebrated getting the job in 2003

ESPN has told NFL analyst Michael Irvin that they will no longer need his services. Irvin, who worked for ESPN since 2003, didn't seem too disappointed in the network's choice. The former Dallas Cowboy mourned the decision with a three-day binge that included drugs, sex and more drugs, which was the same way he celebrated getting the job three years ago.  

"I have no idea why ESPN wouldn't renew my contract and to be honest, I don't care," Irvin said, while hunched over a large mound of cocaine. "I don't have to put up with drug tests, Chris Berman and boring-ass Bristol, Conn."  

The unemployed Irvin says he used his newly acquired free time in South Beach where he partied at the hottest night clubs, slept with "a hell of a lot" of women and snorted as much coke as he could get his hands on.  

"These last few days have been great. Saturday night was off the hook. I had one girl on my left knee, another on my right knee and a third giving me a hit of blow," Irvin bragged. "I don't need ESPN's chump-change. This is the life."  

Irvin showed he still has some of his "Playmaker" magic left when he jumped over three chairs, caught a falling shot of Patron and stuck a hundred dollar bill into a stripper's thong, all in one motion.

Heh. Did I mention that I hate Michael Irvin? I did? Oh.

A hilarious Heckler Poll:

Now that Kerry Wood was hurt, who will be the next Cubs pitcher to miss time because of an injury?

a) Mark Prior, bruised ego & torn rotator cuff
b) Ryan Dempster, broken funny bone
c) Jason Marquis, ruptured ERA
d) Ted Lilly, blown stack
e) Wait, aren't they all hurt already?

Even The Heckler hates Marquis.

5 songs on my iPod: Birthday Edition:

End of the World as We Know It: REM
I Wanna Be Sedated: The Ramones
Extraordinary: Liz Phair
Satisfaction: The Stones
Julie's In The Drug Squad: The Clash

QOTD: What pop culture subject do you feel merits only a fraction of the attention it gets?

Top 10 Hottest Cubs of All-Time

#5 Michael Barrett/Kerry Wood(tie)

Disclaimer: I don't find either of these two all that attractive, but I know that many women do. I just don't get into blondes, I guess. Or guys from Texas. But objectively, I can see that they are great looking, even if I wouldn't look twice at them on the street.

So here you go:

And:

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or Al Yellon, managing editor (unless it's a FanPost posted by Al). FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable baseball fans.

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