"Only the Cubs" Projections

It's Saturday, August 18, and the Cubs are playing the Cardinals on national TV.  Everything has clicked for the Cubs this year, and they enjoy a 15 game lead of the redbirds and the rest of the central.  This game marks the return of Mark Prior, the Cubs' Triple-A all star, who has been called up after posting sensational numbers in Iowa without missing a start.
Just prior to the start of the game, a dismayed Joe Buck announces that the Cubs have signed a 7 year deal with Carlos Zambrano for well below market value.
Exceeding all expectations, Prior takes a no-hitter into the 7th inning.  Of course, Joe Buck has been mentioning the no hitter incessantly since the top of the third.  His jinx works, as Prior gives up a solid triple to Pujols.  The next pitch is a shallow pop fly into left field.  Pujols ditches his walker and oxygen tank and decides to test the arm of the fiery red head Matt Murton.  Mark Prior stumbles on his way to back up the throw, distracting Barret.  The throw takes a bad bounce and hits Barret in the nether-regions.  The ball ricochets of Barret's titanium protective cup and travels at a speed never before seen on a baseball field.  Alas, it heads directly towards the Cubs dugout.  It strikes Zambrano, who had been discussing with Henry Blanco which Venezualan soccer team to purchase with the money from his new contract, right on his internet-surfing elbow, which he also pitches with, destroying every bone.
Prior, his star-crossed psyche damaged forever, walks off the mound, never to pitch again.  Though Carlos taches himself to pitch with his left hand, he is only good enough for fifth in the rotation.  The Cubs' lead over the Cards drastically slips away, lost for good when the Cubs are swept by the Reds and the Pirates in the penultimate week of the season.  The Cards advance to the World Series, where they are narrowly beat out by the White Sox on an AJ Eyechart walk-off homer.