Recently, I had the opportunity to catch up with Cubs infielder Mike Fontenot to discuss things about the season, his career, and life in general.
Florida Cubbie: Mike, first of all, thanks for allowing me to interview you. Taking into consideration my disdain for the word "interview", I would like to just call this a conversation.
Mike Fontenot: Anytime, it's a pleasure to talk to fans.
FC: Let's face it though, Font. You would much rather be talking to Erin Andrews or Rosie O'Donnell, am I correct?
MF: Halfway correct.
FC: There's a lot of talk on certain Cub fan blog sites of things that go on in the minor leagues -- conspiracy theories if you will. Speaking of Rosie, one theory is that Cedeno plays poorly inthe big leagues because he has a "certain someone" back in Iowa he wants to get back to see. Any truth to that rumor?
MF: Well, Ronny has a certain aura about him in Iowa. It's not uncommon to have guys be snazzy dressers, but it's odd to see that in a place like Iowa. The women have winter coats there, kind of an extra layer to keep them warm. It's quite nice really, and nuzzling up beside one brings back mammaries -- err, memories of being in the womb. Maybe he has bonded with that feeling and longs for it in his loins.
FC: Font -- do you mind if I call you Font?
MF: Call me anything you want, man.
FC: What about Eugene?
MF: Whatever you want.
FC: Okay, Mr. McMilkySkin. You were acquired from the Orioles in a trade that sent Sammy Sosa to the O's. Is that a career highlight, to be involved in a trade with a player with that star power?
MF: Well, I wouldn't call it a highlight. It's pretty demeaning because it took like, 4 or 5 of my caliber players to make the work. You get used to that in baseball, it's a business. I am thinking of naming my child "Player to be Named Later" so that I know he will have a job in this game.
FC: Milk, I mean, Mike...I have to bring this up. You're pretty white. Like, borderline from being the Chris Mullin of baseball. Do you ever feel, you know, really weird standing next to someone much darker, say Felix Pie?
MF: Wow, that's a low blow. Felix is very dark. I mean, one time in Iowa, we had a night practice, and he was fined for being absent, even though he was right by me. In the minors, when we were on the bus, we would put all the guys who wanted to rest and sleep on the back of the bus. All the guys who wanted to play cards would go up front. If the card players needed light, I would go to the front of the bus, and Felix would go to the back. It was our own little traveling solar system.
FC: So, who would have been, you know...the planets and stuff?
MF: Murton would have definitely been the North Star. Greatest minor leaguer I have ever seen. Soto is a close second, he rakes in the minors.
FC: There's a rumor of Mark Cuban buying the Cubs. What would you think of that?
MF: I'm all for it, I like being pampered. We could use a couple of tanning beds in the clubhouse. Maybe a Supercuts or something to keep Hank's Mexi-Mullett trimmed up nice and tight.
FC: Tell me about the dark secrets of the clubhouse and being on the road with these guys for most of the year. Let's start with Dempster, who is regarded as a funny guy himself.
MF: Demspter is addicted to tech stuff. He carries his laptop on the road, and enjoys talking dirty with himself using text-to-speech software on lonely west-coast flights.
FC: So tech stuff is his hobby?
MF: No, his hobby is blowing saves. (laughs) Actually, I think he is getting a kickback from medical researchers who use his outings as stress tests for patients. It saves money on the treadmill test, they can just tune in the 9th inning and get it done faster.
FC: Tell me about D-Lee.
MF: He's tall. He is like the Sears Tower, and I'm like, a strip mall or something. Run down, low-rent, and generally loved by poor people.
FC: Do fans ever yell out to you by your nickname of "Font"?
MF: Umm, yeah, sometimes. It's not a unique name. Not like McMilkFace or whatever you called me.
FC: Do you ever worry that when someone yells out "Font" that they may be actually a fan of Times New Roman or Sans Serif?
MF: I have no idea what that is, is that an Italian wine or something?
FC: What was your best career day with the Baltimore organization?
MF: The day I heard I was being sent to the Cubs.
FC: Growing up in Louisiana, did you ever eat mud?
MF: It was a staple of the Slidell diet.
FC: You and Theriot have played together a lot. Is there a mental connection that you two have grown to share?
MF: We're not gay, if that's what you are getting at. He's a spaz, man. Riot is a grinder. He gets all the ladies too. He is a poor man's Brad Paisley, but he doesn't sing as good. He tries to win karaoke contests. His sensual and godlike renditions of the Star Spangled Banner made him an instant Iowa celebrity when he was awarded the entire Iowa Lottery. He won like 14 ears of corn. It was crazy.
FC: Wow. Enough to feed the team almost.
MF: Almost! He is a mysterious being, often shrouded in secret musings about such odd topics like "If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?". He once sent an email to the UN Ambassador to the country of Botswana asking to change the name of their country to "Autobotswana". I guess he likes Transformers.
FC: In light of recent troubles with athletes, does it concern you about the role of athletes as role models for children?
MF: Nah, most parents do a good job with their kids, but I try to be positive. After the Michael Vick deal, I started "Bad Bloomz Kennels" andhave begun breeding dandelions for fighting and gambling purposes.
FC: Dang, that's ruthless.
MF: No, I breed them so they don't use pistils. I don't allow weapons and handguns.
FC: Interesting. And that appeals to you?
MF: Well, it helps me stamen out of trouble. I can petal my wares to buyers who are looking for that kind of thing.
FC: Let's do a little word association. I'll say a word, you tell me the first thing you think of.
MF: My computer.
FC: Pimento Cheese.
MF: Sweet Lou's breath.
FC: Natural Light.
MF: Tony LaRussa's breath.
MF: Either catching catfish back home in Louisiana, or Jacque Jones' arm.
FC: Steve Goodman
MF: That movie "The Babe". Man, he was awesome, looked just like Babe Ruth. I liked him as Dan Connor in Roseanne too.
FC: Umm...okay...how about "lazy"
MF: Stuart Scott's eye.
FC: Mike, I know you have to get ready for the game, so thanks for your time and good luck.
MF: Thanks a lot, it has been fun. Tell all the guys at bleedcubbieblue.com that I read all the time and they can lay off the personal attacks. I have feelings too, you know.
[Note: This interview is fictional, and never happened. This was written as humor and/or satire, and does not represent the opinions, thoughts, or words of Mike Fontenot.]
This piece was inspired by the minor league players of the Iowa Cubs. Many of the players claim Mike Fontenot is the funniest teammate they have ever had, so I chose to poke some fun with it.
Until next time, GO CUBS!