And Now For Something Completely Different.

It’s –

(cue Liberty Bell March)

Totally Bogus Cubs News!

One man’s continuing saga to supplant Carrie Muskat as MLB.com’s Cubs reporter.

Trump Makes Late Bid for Cubs

Donald Trump, New York billionaire and all-around wanker, has made a late bid in an attempt to purchase the Chicago Cubs.  No word has been released on whether Cubs owner Sam Zell will consider the bid, as the second round of bidding was closed on the first of December.  However, sources close to Zell said that a third bidding was being “seriously considered.”

Trump made no attempt to hide his entry into the fray, going so far as to hold a press conference this morning.

“I want to bring the Trump brand to a new venue, and the Cubs are a premiere opportunity to do that.  The Cubs organization has a long tradition of championship sports teams and a synergy with the Trump Organization will continue that pattern,” stated Trump.

When asked what brought on his sudden interest in the Cubs, Trump said it was a matter of timing and a little luck.

“I was riding to the airport and my chauffeur had left a book in the back of the limo.  Normally, I don’t pay much attention to anything other than myself, but the title of the book caught my eye – ‘Moneyball.’  After hiring someone to read the book and prepare an executive summary, I decided that a baseball team would provide significant market penetration for the Trump identity into a new sector.  One of my assistants did some research, and I recognized the Cubs were the best investment for my purposes.”

When asked about his plans for the team, Trump answered as expected – with a larger-than-life plan for the team.  “I’m going to move the team and stadium to Manhattan, and petition the Commissioner of the MLB [sic], Allan Huber Selig, Jr., to place the Cubs in an exclusive two team league with the Yankees.  These two teams will come to represent the highest levels of athletic competition, class, and professionalism.  Each ball used in a game will have a genuine $20 bill sewn inside the cover, making this a true moneyball league.  Players will be fined for looking bad and acting in an unbecoming manner.  Managers will be measured by their results and held accountable, with weekly televised reviews during the sweeps season.”

When asked if he actually knew anything about baseball, Trump declined comment.

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Cubs Chairman Leaves Window Open, Freezes Some Ticket Prices

Cubs chairman Crane Kenney made a public apology yesterday for freezing one-third of the ticket prices for the upcoming season.

“I would like to take this opportunity to say, to all the other Cubs fans out there, I’m sorry.  I made a mistake and I would like to ask for you to forgive me.”

It seems that Kenney was smoking an ‘I’m not under investigation in the Blago case’ victory cigar in his office the other day when he received a call from Jim Hendry, the Cubs GM.  He left his office, and when he returned he found roughly one-third of the ticket prices, yet to be affixed to the tickets themselves, frozen solid.

“It was a foolish mistake on my part.  I should never have been smoking in there to begin with, we all had the ‘don’t open windows in winter’ awareness training this fall, and I just wasn’t thinking.  I realize that my actions have affected many of you, the Cubs fans, and if I could apologize to each of you personally, I would.  Please don’t let the short-sighted actions of one individual have a negative effect on your opinion of the organization as a whole.  This was my mistake, and I’m prepared to deal with the consequences.”  (Kenney added, “If it’s any consolation, Jim showed me this video on YouTube of Joey Gathright jumping over a car.  That guy’s gonna be a great addition to the team.”)

(Editor’s note – Smoking was banned by the state of Illinois in a law that took effect last January.  Since that time, the death rate due to lung cancer has not declined.  However, across the state, 1428 non-smokers have been beaten to death for making smartass comments about the smokers being forced outside.  I guess secondhand smoke really will kill you!)

Inside sources say that the affected prices were thawed and hand inspected.  Most were salvageable, and will be affixed to tickets and shipped as usual.  Those prices which were damaged beyond usability will be melted down and made into temporary shelters for the smokers in Wrigleyville.  Once spring comes, the shelters will be auctioned off and proceeds will go to the ‘Buy Ronnie Wickers a one-way ticket to San Diego’ charity, a not for profit organization dedicated to bettering the Wrigley experience for everyone.

Any Cubs ticket holder who is dissatisfied with the condition of their ticket prices is asked to contact the Department of the Treasury and request form CHC-2009, ‘Application for Federal Emergency Financial Assistance for Cubs Ticket Purchasers.’

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Pat Hughes Reports on Ron Santo’s Off Season Doings

The inimitable voice of the Chicago Cubs, Pat Hughes, has given us another report on the winter adventures of everyone’s favorite diabetic third baseman that should be in the Hall of Fame but isn’t because the voting by the Veteran’s Committee is really screwed up, Ron Santo.

“Ron Santo called me after he got back into the US following his toupee safari.  While he was vague with details, it seems he is helping the US Armed Forces test out new prosthetic legs at an undisclosed base out west.  Ron said he had the chance to try out a pair of jet or rocket propelled prostheses, designed to allow disabled veterans to get jobs alongside bike messengers and pizza drivers.  Ronnie apparently had so much fun that he very nearly lost his hairpiece on one test run!  He and I both want to take this opportunity thank our servicemen and women, who sacrifice so much for our freedoms, and encourage you to do the same for the soldiers in your life.  For the speedy Ron Santo, I’m Pat Hughes, saying thanks for listening, and goodbye from the Kennedy Expressway.”

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And now it’s time for the Cubs Mailbag!

A whole parcel of stupid in this week’s mailbag.  Be sure to include your name and hometown in e-mails, because you may not yet be on the list of people who are going up against the wall when the revolution comes.

I need to find someplace to sell my season tickets, since I’m going to be very busy during this upcoming season.  Any suggestions? -- Rod B., Chicago (not Springfield)

Well, Rod, you could try Stubhub.com.  Or you could use BCB’s own ticket exchange threads, if you are looking to sell them at cost.  Another option would be to give them to your wife, provided she can make a donation to your campaign fund.  I hear she’s a real charmer, and I’m sure there are a few Cubs fans who would like to have a discussion with her.

Why did we not get Jake Peavy?  The deal proposed by Kevin Towers [GM for the Padres] made sense.  We would only have given up our farm system and half of our MLB bench players.  You can never have enough good pitching!  Jim Hendry is an idiot! -- Roughly Two Thirds of the BCB Posters, Some Other Dimension Where Towers Trying to Soak the Cubs is Somehow Okay

Dear Two Thirds:  SHUT UP.  That is all.

No, wait, it isn’t.  AND THEN SHUT UP SOME MORE.

That is all.

With the upcoming NHL Winter Classic at Wrigley this New Year’s, we were curious as to how many other sporting events (besides Cubs baseball) have been held at the Friendly Confines.  Have the Cubs ever played anywhere else? -- Chad and Trixie S., Rolling Meadows, IL

UHHHHH… okay, let’s review.  First, do your own damn research.  It’s called Wikipedia.  It has answers on pretty much everything, and while it isn’t free from errors, it’s usually pretty reliable.  You can probably get it on your Blackberry or your iPhone or whatever other overpriced gadget you have in the designer leather holder on your belt or your purse strap.  Second, I swear to God if I see you in the bleachers talking on said overpriced gadget during a game, I am going to use said overpriced gadget to give you a colonoscopy RIGHT THEN AND THERE.  Third, seriously?  Why do you people even bother showing up for games at Wrigley?  Why don’t you go follow women’s basketball or lacrosse or some other sport that isn’t the Cubs and leave Wrigley for the real fans?  It’s not cool to show up in your newly purchased hats with your bleacher tickets and then spend the entire time at the ballpark IGNORING THE GAME.  I hope your children are born White Sox fans and decide to take up parricide as a hobby.

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Well, kids, that’s all the time for this week – guess somebody better go take their medication!  Tune in sometime next year for another issue.  Until then, Go Cubs Go!