In the interest of padding my resume to get Carrie Muskat’s job, I’m working on my reporting skills.  So here’s some…

Totally Bogus Cubs News!

Cubs Have Plan to Increase Payroll Budget

The Cubs front office announced today that they have a plan to raise a few extra dollars for the payroll next year.  The announcement comes amidst rumors that the organization is having a hard time finding cash to make trades for left-handed batters (more on that below).

“We’ve decided to take advantage of one untapped resource: empty beer cans,” explained GM Jim Hendry.  “We were tossing around ideas to scrape together a few more bucks, and suddenly it came to us – why not take all the empties to Michigan and get the ten cents per can?”

Hendry said the team was working on a marketing campaign to encourage Cubs fans to drink at least two beers each game.  “We’re thinking something along the lines of ‘Let’s Drink Two,’ if we can get Ernie [Banks, Cubs hall of famer] to sign off on it.  We realize that many of you bring children to the park and won’t want to consume your quota, but we’re sure that the bleacher crew will be happy to take up the slack.”

If each fan at a game with 40,000 in attendance drank two cans of beer, the resulting 80,000 cans could be redeemed for $8,000 in Michigan.  Over the course of a season, that would be $648,000 in gross revenue, assuming all 81 home games were played.  “Of course, while rain outs could be a problem, they could also be a boon.  Think about it – 40,000 people waiting for a game to resume, with nothing better to do than drink.  We could clear ten, twelve grand on a day like that.”

Once the empties are collected, they would be loaded into a semi trailer after each home series.  They would then be driven by Cubs fan Ronnie Wickers to a local grocery store in Grand Beach, Michigan, just north of the Indiana state line and on the shores of Lake Michigan.  “Ronnie would then feed the cans into an automated redemption machine by hand.  The best part of this plan is that it gets Woo-Woo out of the area for a few days.”

Cubs fans reaction to the plan was mixed, and then poured over rocks in a tall glass.

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Piniella Still Seeking Left Handed Bats

Cubs Manager ‘Sweet’ Lou Piniella continues his quest to find left handed bats for his team.  After taking a few months to fish at his home in Florida, Piniella was back at work, reviewing the free agent landscape and searching for young prospects to fill his insatiable hunger for more lefty hitting.

“Look, it’s pretty clear that the team wasn’t ready for the post-season this past October.  A lot of people have blamed the pitching, or said we don’t have enough experience on the bench in these types of situations.”  But Lou has another explanation.

“It’s a lack of left handed batting, plain and simple.  Listen, if I had been given six, seven, eight lefties like I wanted, we would have scored more runs.  Period.  But I had to put in right handed batters against right handed pitchers, and anybody who’s been in baseball this long knows that’s not going to – to – to score runs.”

When asked about his wish list for 2009, Lou said he was very specific with GM Jim Hendry about what he wanted.  “I would like twelve or fifteen lefties on my roster next year.  I’ve been talking with Gerald [Perry, hitting coach] about working with some of our younger guys during spring training to see if we can get them up to Chicago during the season.  Soto called me the other day and said he was working on hitting from the other side of the plate in his winter league to help the team out.  And I’ve talked to Zambrano about coming in to play first base on his off days to get him into the order on a regular basis.  He’ll probably hit into less double plays, which is a big improvement anyway.”

When asked about his other big request, an experienced reliever to anchor the bullpen, Piniella said he and Hendry had been talking to a figure from the Cubs past.  “We called up Ken [Holtzman, former starting pitcher] about coming back to throw some innings, and mentor some of the younger guys.  He said he was interested, since he doesn’t have the […stamina…] to start any more, but only if we didn’t put him in on Saturdays or against the Dodgers.  We’re still working out some of the details, but uh – uh – look, you can’t rush something like this.”

However, all may not as smooth as Lou would like to think.  Rumors are flying that Hendry is prepared to trade the entire I-Cubs team, the AAA minor league affiliate of the Cubs, for Padres pitcher Jake Peavy.  This would give the Cubs 643 starting pitchers vying for the five starting spots, have a minor negative effect on the farm system, and (most importantly) tie up the remaining payroll, freezing the roster unless some payroll-dumping trades could be made.  The moderator of one Cubs blog, speaking on condition of anonymity, called the idea, “unlikely, but more plausible than some scenarios I’ve read this off-season.”

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Pat Hughes Reports on Ron Santo’s Off-Season

The Voice of the Chicago Cubs, radio broadcaster Pat Hughes, left this message on our machine yesterday (we were out getting pizza):

“Ron Santo called me yesterday from deep in the rain forests of Brazil, where he is on his yearly toupee safari.  This year, Ronnie was hunting the dangerous and rarely seen Amazonian Periwig Beast.  This little creature is slightly larger than a chinchilla, with short, light brown fur and fearsome teeth.  It prefers hiding under fallen trees and low bushes – much like Mets fans, according to Ronnie.  He said his guide had been tracking one of these animals for nearly two days before they had to stop to rest, and when they broke camp the next morning, the little guy was curled up asleep in Ron’s carpet bag.  Ron is currently training it to stay on his head by feeding it peanuts, and hopes to be able to teach it to track pitch counts.  For Ron Santo, Pat Hughes, saying thank you for listening, and goodbye from my living room.”

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And now it’s time for the Cubs Mailbag!

Cheese, whine, and crackers are the topics of this week’s installment.  Be sure to include your name and hometown in e-mails, because I have a big paper bag full of dog poo and am really, really, really bored.  Really.

I was wondering about Prince Fielder’s diet.  Is he totally vegan, or does he eat dairy products, eggs, and/or fish?  How much weight has he lost?  And how did he get started on his diet? -- CC S., Milwaukee (but not for long!)

I think you wanted the OTHER BCB, but hey, it’s a slow news day.  What the hey.

Prince isn’t totally vegan.  He still eats cheese, babies, and eggs, according to his grocery bill and his waistline.  He made the change in his diet after being given the book “Skinny Bitch” by his wife (seriously!  I swear I am not making this up!), and has lost almost five pounds since beginning the diet in early February.

I think not resigning Kerry Wood was the dumbest move Jim Hendry has ever made since the last one, even though he managed to get us three division championships and Lou Piniella.  Why is he still general manager when he is such an idiot? -- One Third of the BCB Posters, An Alternate Reality

Dear Third:  SHUT UP.  That is all.

How did the jump & bump after games get started in the outfield?  Whose idea was that?  And can I steal it? -- Cubbie B., 1 Line Drive, Des Moines, Iowa

Well, Cubbie, I have absolutely no idea.  I would have to guess, however, that it was a white guy’s idea, since anyone with even a tiny bit of soul would probably have come up with something that looked about five hundred times cooler.  If you want to steal it, go ahead.  I’ll be sitting in the RF bleachers at Principal Park, waiting to throw something at your head.

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Well, kids, that’s all the time for today!  Tune in at some undisclosed point in the future for another issue.  Until then, Go Cubs Go!