Cubs refuse to sell tickets to right-handed fans

Chicago, BCBP -- The Cubs are serious about the claim that their two straight post-season sweeps are due to a lefty-righty imbalance.  Many fans have noticed roster changes intending to correct this problem.  Soon, somewhere between 90 to 93% of fans will be noticing an even bigger change:  right-handed fans may be turned away from cheering their favorite team.

Although senior Cub management refused to comment on this development, multiple sources inside the ticketing department have gone on the record. 

Seth Pau, who has worked 17 years as a ticket vendor, said, "I was instructed to turn away every third customer who handed me payment with his right hand." 

Lou Geigh, who works part-time collecting tickets at entrance stiles, claimed, "I was instructed to give special treatment to fans who hand me their ticket with their left hand.  Fans who handed their tickets with the right hand were to be shunted off to security.  We were told not to ask questions."

One anonymous source inside marketing complained that they had been told to plan to replace fully a third of right-handed paying customers with left-handed customers.  "How am I supposed to target left-handers?  There are no demographic studies on this.  Where am I going to find these new fans?"

Some analysts have predicted that such a radical change in the attending crowds could lead to a less informed, less enthusiastic fanbase.  Indeed, the Cubs appear to be planning for this, readying new electronic signs which will project an animated "Rally Cubbie" who waves a Cub banner in his, of course, left hand.

Newly hired Cub official, S.N. Estra, whose job description calls for planning "alternative ballpark entertainment," went on record saying, "Look, Cub fans need to do their part to help us get over the championship drought, and, honestly, I don't see anything wrong with doing 'the wave' just so long as the people starting it lead with their left hands."