THIS IS NOT A PARODY POST.

Oh, wait, yes it is.

 

Totally Bogus Cubs News!

 

(Now 98% content-free!)

Ted Lilly, Chuck Norris to Swap Names

 

The Cubs’ most tenacious starter, Ted ‘Bulldog’ ‘You’ll take what I give you’ ‘That’s my home plate and don’t you forget it’ Lilly revealed plans to strike even more fear into the hearts and minds of opposing players today when he announced that he and long-time internet meme Chuck Norris would exchange names for the rest of the season. 

"I think this is a unique possibility to highlight our pants-crappingly effective rotation," Lilly said at the press conference, held on an in-use L track half a block north of the Addison station.  Trains were re-routed out of fear that Lilly and Norris would derail them for fun.

Lilly went on to detail his plans for perfecting what he termed the ‘Roundhouse in your Wheelhouse,’ a fastball-slider-curve combination with a gyro ball delivery that travels to the plate at 105 m.p.h. before breaking three directions at once, simultaneously causing the hitter to leap out of the batter’s box in abject fear and swing late in an attempt to protect the plate.  "Chuck has been a big help with the mechanics of the pitch, as well as reminding the crew chiefs that this pitch is always a strike, even if I throw it as a pickoff.  Sometimes it also counts as another strike when the catcher throws the ball back."

"As a long time fan of intense athletic competition, I’m very pleased to use Ted’s name for the remainder of the season," said Norris, who finished off his comments by roundhouse kicking a Sox fan, who had gotten lost on the way to The Alley, back to 35th Street.

Carlos Zambrano was on hand, and this reporter got a few minutes to talk to him after the announcement.  "I was going to change my name to Bruce Lee after Lilly told the team, but Lou came up to me and said, ‘Look, you can’t change your name to Bruce, it’s... they wouldn’t let the Hulk do it in the 70’s... well, listen, we already have a Lee, and besides, you’ve got a whole letter of the alphabet to yourself,’" Zambrano said, finishing the statement with his well-known impersonation of the Cubs’ skipper.

Kevin Gregg was reportedly considering changing his name to Fred Rogers.  When told that the long-time children’s show host had, in fact, never been a Marine sniper, he replied, "I know.  I just want to lure them into a false sense of security."  He would have continued the comment but was too busy trying to get his head out of the atomic wedgie just given to him by Carlos Marmol.

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Fun Fact #1:  When Ted Lilly cuts himself, onions cry.  No one has ever seen this happen because Ted Lilly’s skin is harder than diamond.

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WGN Radio Fax Machine Breaks, Remains Unsponsored

 

According to comments made by Pat Hughes on the WGN Radio broadcast of yesterday’s game, the fax machine in the home radio broadcast booth at Wrigley Field has broken.  Furthermore, due to the inoperability of the machine, sponsors have shied away from the opportunity to attach their names to the oldest fax machine in the NL, which is only two years younger than Boston’s fax machine.

Inquires to the front office revealed that the fax had a rough off season.  "The persistent rumors of a trade to the Padres during and after the Winter Meetings left the poor thing frazzled," said a source close to Jim Hendry who wished to remain anonymous.  "Then when that deal collapsed, he felt betrayed by the constant inclusion on the list of expendables.  At some point early this spring, he just stopped caring and started hanging around with a bad crowd – dot matrix printers, handheld scanners, other unsavory types."

The wear and tear of this hard lifestyle eventually took its toll.  The machine was rushed to Percussive Computer Maintenance and Repair Center following yesterday’s home opener but, despite fervent efforts to find replacement parts, was pronounced obsolete at 11:32 pm last night.

"Oh, boy, I can’t talk about it right now.  I mean, gosh, Pat and I had a working relationship with that fax for, geez, months, and, you know, it’s kind of like losing a family member, maybe a third cousin twice removed," Ron Santo was quoted as saying.

Cubs Chairman Crane Kenney offered his condolences to the many fax machines with no one to call during yesterday’s game.  He stated that the search for a successor would begin, "after an appropriate grieving period, probably once the stores open this morning," but with no sponsorship and the sale of the team still uncompleted, coming up with the funds for a replacement could be difficult.

"Clearly we think this is a great opportunity for a company or organization to get involved with the Cubs a little more, but in this economy, it’s hard to find a sponsor who wants to shell out that kind of money.  But we’re hopeful that the right group will step forward and commit to preserving this rather antiquated but enjoyable tradition."

Applications for replacement fax machines, or bids for sponsorship, should be faxed to... wait a minute.

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Fun Fact #2:  Albert Einstein once discovered a parallel universe where Ted Lilly was even more of a bad-ass.  He then made the mistake of telling Ted about it.  Today we know Albert Einstein as Stephen Hawking.

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Analysis of Peavy Trade Rumors’ effect on Internet

 

ICANN, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers, released the internet traffic statistics from December of 2008 today.  According to data from the following table,

via www.ares-online.com

 

Peavy rumors accounted for nearly 20% of all internet traffic from Monday to Wednesday, December 8th to the 10th.  This is greater than the sum total of all information involved in web-based financial transactions carried out those three days.

The following chart, from ComEd,

via daviddoctorrose.files.wordpress.com

shows that, on Tuesday morning (the 9th) from 6 am to 1 pm, the estimated electrical consumption of bloggers and journalists on the north side of Chicago would have powered the new CERN superconductor for a month, or even more when it’s not running right.

And this pie chart

 

via www.dkimages.com

 

looks very tasty.  If sabermetricians used more of these types of charts, I would know what OBPA+ is.  Or something.

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And now it’s time for Cubs Mailbag!

Now, I know Carrie Muskat went all high-tech with the Cubs Inbox after New Year’s, but let’s face it, times are tight.  We’re passing the costs on to you by making you purchase postage stamps.  Think of it as doing your part to stimulate the economy!  Plus, who does Carrie think she is?  Al Gore?

Etiquette is the topic of this week’s mailbag.  Be sure and include your name and address, since I have a carton of eggs that’s a month past date in the fridge and no plans for this afternoon (Miss Manners was going to join me, but reluctantly had to cancel)!

I run a successful Cubs blog that is part of a larger sports blog network.  Recently, I have noticed many of my posters making duplicate posts on topics already covered, or posting poorly written rambling rants about their ledge jumping abilities, or (horrors!) cutting and pasting the badly written posts into parodies repeatedly, beating a dead joke like some sort of Family Guy episode.  How can I attract a better class of posters, and encourage my regulars to improve their posting habits? – A.Y., Chicago

Well, A.Y., I would start by reminding your users of the standards you have for posts on your site via a front page post.  The more conscientious of them will change their behavior simply because you ask them to.  Once you have thinned the herd a bit, you should find that the posters will self-police many of the questionable posts.  I would also encourage keeping a few wise-asses around, at least one of whom should be skilled with Photoshop, in case of trouble; an occasional bone should be allowed to slip through so they don’t turn their withering gazes upon well-meaning but rookie posters in the farm system.  If you have an individual who refuses to cooperate, try trading them to Milwaukee; I hear they’re hard up for content.  (Banning may also be effective, though devious users won’t let that stop them, will they, Mike?)  Hope this helps!

Jerkface, did you not see the post today about no more parody posts? i’ve already seen six other parodies this week, next time, try using the search function before you post, it only takes seconds and saves me from having to experience the same thing more than once because my attention span is non-existent, also, you are a moron and an idiot, and probably need to lose weight  – Better author than Hacky ‘Zno’ McHackington, Mom’s basement, Peoria

Dear Better:  SHUT UP (or, if you prefer the internet parlance, STFU).  That is all.

My name is Billy.  I am in third grade at Hoover Elementary in Marshalltown, Iowa.  All my friends say the Cubs suck.  But I know they don’t.  How can I tell them the Cubs don’t suck? – Billy, Marshalltown, IA

Dear Billy:  I’m glad you asked this.  There a few ways to let your friends know that the Cubs don’t suck.  One is to point out that the team has won the NL Central two years in a row.  Another is to ask them which team they root for and compare records over the past few years.  (If they answer White Sox, set them on fire.  No jury in the Midwest will convict you.)  Also be ready with stats like total runs scored versus runs against, team ERA, and other broad indicators of team performance.  If you have a father figure who is mechanically inclined, have him help you build a hot dog gun, and shoot people who make fun of your team with increasingly dense tube meats (working from over-boiled mystery franks to whole pepperonis).  And remember that the sports media are all idiots who care more about getting a ratings hike than content; they will all get theirs in the afterlife, when they are forced to listen to Joe Morgan calling women’s basketball.

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Well, that’s all the time for today, Cubs fans; tune in again soon for another educational and entertain-ful issue.  Until next time, Go Cubs Go!