DURING the whole of a hot, humid, and winless day in the late spring of the year...

"Villains!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! – tear up the planks! – here,  here! – it is the beating of –”

Totally Bogus Cubs News!

Special Slumpbuster Whale-mail-bag Edition!

[Ed. Note:  The team that first occupied Wrigley Field, before it was called Wrigley Field, was the Federal League team, which in 1915 was known as the Whales.  They won the league that year under the management of some guy named Tinker.  They also had this pitcher with only three fingers.]

Well, I got such a good response from those of you who sent questions that I decided to spend the whole time answering them.  So without further ado, let’s dive in, shall we?

Our first and perhaps most timely question comes to us from a Cubs fan in Kansas.

"When the [FORK] is Lou gonna break some [stuff]?" – dtpollitt

[Ed. Note: No, he did not say ‘fork.’  He actually said ‘spork.’]

Listen closely, Dan.  That vague exploding sound coming from the east-northeast you hear when the wind is just right?  That’s Lou.  Expect something to get broken during the game today, either a losing streak or Lou’s foot in someone’s rear.

The next one comes from a monastery tucked away on the north side, where a Drewid asks,

"Why isn't Neal Cotts starting?  Also, shouldn't we be able to move Soriano to second base, and also have him bat 4th? "

Well, to be honest, I’m as surprised as you are.  With Shark coming up to the bullpen, I would have figured that Neil was a lock for taking Z’s spot in the rotation, particularly given that his WHIP is up almost a full point so far over his average from the last two years –

[Ed. Note:  His WHIP being up is bad.]

Really?

[Ed. Note:  Yes.  WHIP is a measure of walks and hits given up per inning.  As in golf, a lower number is better.]

Well, okay then.  At least his ERA is... whoops.  Scratch that.  But his appearances are getting long... wait, no.  Uh....

Well, he hasn’t balked yet this year... and he’s only hit one batter in 7.2 IP, which is better than that one guy the other day.  So, yeah, he should be ready to start in another week or two.

As for Soriano, word is that the Cubs are currently trying to clone him, but they want to remove the hop from his DNA first.  Check back in 2035 or so.

From Asheville, NC, a place I know and have gotten drunk in, we have this query from a carolinacub:

"How come when you buy a Cubs calendar it has players in Cubs uniforms who don’t play for the Cubs?"

This one took some doing.  I had to spend my entire BCB expense account (total value: $13.72 and a CTA card that expired last October) to get to the bottom of this one, but here goes.

In July, a small group meets in the Cubs front office (in Crane Kenney’s coat closet, to be precise) and begins the arduous task of sorting through thousands of pictures to get the right ones.  As the season continues to play out, Crane tosses in new pictures and sandwiches to keep the group going.  Sometime around mid-September, they emerge, blinking at the bright lights of Crane’s office, with about 48 possible pictures, usually of 15 or so players.

These pictures are then sent to two groups:  the Women’s Board, which vetoes 12 pictures on the grounds that they do not contain enough eye candy –

[Ed. Note:  Since the mid 1970’s, the Women’s Board has included at least one resident of the neighborhood south of Wrigley.]

Stop interrupting.

[Ed. Note:  Carry on.]

...and the Men’s Board, which vetoes 12 pictures on the grounds that they contain too much eye candy.  The remaining 24 or so pictures are then sent to the team for voting and final approval.  This process takes until roughly the start of October.  If the Cubs are in contention, the Final Late Approval Tactical Panel will review the photos from each playoff game as they come in, since the cut-off date for sending the project to the printer’s is in early November.

[Ed. Note:  So is Game 4 of the Series this year.  Thanks, Bud.  Good call on that one.]

Riiiight....  So, once the photos are chosen, they go off to the printer and wind up on the calendar.  Reference copies are provided to team management, and then the fun begins.

Buster Olney had a little seen report last December that Jim Hendry was using a calendar in his negotiations with some West Coast team over a pitcher no one here has ever heard of.  It also was reported that Hendry ‘accidentally’ left a copy on the Indians’ chairs, open to DeRosa... but you can’t believe everything you read on the internet.

[Ed. Note:  The quotes around the word ‘accidentally’ indicate the use of sarcasm.]

Seriously?  Go alphabetize something.

Ahem.  Also rumored, but not proven, is that whoever is on the January picture will incur the wrath of Lou and wind up being traded once he gets back from the Chicago weather after the Cubs Convention.

So that’s how that works.

And for my next trick....

"Why do people get upset when I post negative comments in game threads?  I’m entitled to my opinion." – Jumpy McLedgerton, someplace that isn’t nearly as hot as where zno wishes you would go.

Oh, it’s on now, punk.

[Ed. Note:  This just turned into the Wail-mail-bag.  ‘Cause somebody’s about to get wailed on.]

This is a Cubs COMMUNITY.  Just because I drive through a town on my way to my weekly Dungeons and Dragons game and stop to get a slice of pizza and a Yoo-Hoo from Casey’s and mutter something to the clerk about the crappy weather while paying DOES NOT MAKE ME A MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY.  If I look at your profile and the last dozen comments are spread out over the game threads so far this year, and every last one of them is about something the Cubs aren’t doing well, you are a troll.  You are not a member of the community; you are a sad, pathetic loser who needs to get a hobby that doesn’t involve pissing off Cubs fans, or anybody else, for that matter.

[Ed. Note:  May I suggest Russian roulette.]

Try making intelligent comments in non-game threads if you want to have some respect.  You don’t have to be Shakespeare, but a little thought will go a long way, particularly if you can support your opinions with things like stats and quotes from people who are in the know.  And don’t get all "the secret BCB Illuminati are ruining this for me, I’m going away and never coming back" on us.  Because we will send our ninja assassins to go get Steve Jobs, who will ping your internet connection back to the twentieth century.

[Ed. Note:  Not that zno is a member of the BCB Illuminati.  Or that there even is such a group.  You should probably just forget you read this.  Fnord.]

Oh, and for the sake of tradition...

Dear Jumpy:  SHUT UP.  That is all.

Next?  Oh, Dan has another one.

"What ever happened to Al's son's haircut?"

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

[Ed. Note:  Search function, dumbass.]

Oh, right.  Uh... wow, going back to 2007, are we?  It seems he got the haircut.  Personally, I think haircuts are overrated, as can be seen in the photo below.

via c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com

(Yes, that is me.  Yes, I wear that belt every day.  No, I am not still a virgin.)

[Ed. Note:  I really have nothing to add on this one, other than the fact that he isn’t a virgin is generally considered proof of the existence of a higher power.]

Our penultimate question comes from one of the friendliest posters here, Cubbie-Tim.  He writes:

"Recently Manny Ramirez was caught using fertility drugs, and suspended.  When his 50 game suspension is completed, will he be allowed to play if he was successful in becoming pregnant, or does that force him onto the DL until after giving birth?"

According to Rule 41 of the Major League Rules, which is a secret document that also contains the formula for Coke and the real copy of the Warren Report, a player who becomes pregnant during the season may be placed on the 270 day DL and be replaced by the other parent, provided the player and partner have a legally recognized relationship in the club’s home state.  In the event that the two are not in some sort of civil union, however, the partner must be placed on waivers and clear the League, and may then be returned to the parent club for a payment of $25,000 and a box of cigars.  If another club claims the partner, that club pays the parent club the $25,000, but gets to keep the box of cigars and has the option to send the partner to a minor-league affiliate’s primary hospital’s maternity ward, unless the partner is out of options, in which case they are required to keep the partner on the 25 man roster for the duration of the player’s stint on the DL.  If the partner drops off the 25 man roster for a reason other than injury, they are immediately returned to the parent club, with the box of cigars, and the parent club must spend the $25,000 on baby clothes and a college savings account.

[Ed. Note:  What?]

And our final question comes once again from Dan, who asks,

"Can I trade Milton Bradley for a lifetime supply of Milton Bradley board games?"

At this point in the season, Dan, all you would get is a Yahtzee set with only four dice.

Well, that’s all the time for today!

[Ed. Note: Slacker.  Not even any fake news stories, you hack.]

Choke on it.  And to the rest of you, until next time, Go Cubs Go!