Things that will happen before the Cubs find their offense.

by digitalbenjamin on Jun 18, 2009 9:26 AM CDT Comment 55 comments

We all know this month long offensive funk as been painful. You're gonna either laugh or cry. So let's laugh and have some fun, eh?

It feels like the Cubs are never gonna start hitting, let's start a tongue-in-cheek list of things that have a better chance of happening before the Cubs find their offense. It'll start the the list off.

Aaron Miles get's hot and locks down 2B for the remainder of the season.
The Cubs re-sign Mark Derosa
Lou takes Soriano out of the lead-off spot.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or Al Yellon, managing editor (unless it's a FanPost posted by Al). FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable baseball fans.

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Peace in the Middle East.

"You can observe a lot just by watching." ~ Yogi Berra

by Al on Jun 18, 2009 9:41 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Ted Lilly stops being awesome

Except that Ted Lilly will never stop being awesome.

Just say no to players named Aaron on the Cubs.

by nji232 on Jun 18, 2009 9:48 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

George W. Bush himself finds Osama!

Al Gore achieves cold fusion!

Elton John and Billy Joel cancel their shows at Wrigley because they found a cure for AIDS!

Chicago withdraws its Olympic bid due to political backlash!

I get promoted! And get to kick my boss in the nuts!

Kim Jong-Il wins his plight!

One day I hope to come up with something worthy of this space.

by chilango2 on Jun 18, 2009 9:59 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Rick Astley...

gives you up, let’s you down, runs around and deserts you, makes you cry, says goodbye, tells a lie and hurts you.

I haz blurg: hotbeans.wordpress.com

by digitalbenjamin on Jun 18, 2009 10:05 AM CDT reply actions 6 recs

This deserves to be green.

"I'll never forget how I felt last October." ~Kosuke Fukudome

by Goodie1969 on Jun 18, 2009 10:15 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Did my part

I'm singing, "GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO!" -- DrCrawdad on Jun 12, 2009 7:23 AM CDT

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! -- Homer J. Simpson

by Shanghai Badger on Jun 18, 2009 10:35 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

OMG - you just RickRolled me without even using YouTube.

I bow to your Interweb skillz!

I've committed to tweeting about the Cubs for the rest of the season. (Does that sound as ridiculous as I think it does?) Anyway, if you're on Twitter, you can follow me here.

by dat cubfan daver on Jun 18, 2009 11:15 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

d00d. You got Pwnd! EPIC FAIL!

I haz blurg: hotbeans.wordpress.com

by digitalbenjamin on Jun 18, 2009 11:38 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I will grow to be 6-feet tall.

I love to play baseball. I'm a baseball player. I've always been a baseball player. I'm still a baseball player. That's who I am. - Ryne Sandberg

by Trey2317 on Jun 18, 2009 10:05 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Trey2317

You don’t happen to be an infielder for the Chicago Cubs do you?

I haz blurg: hotbeans.wordpress.com

by digitalbenjamin on Jun 18, 2009 10:11 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I'm as tall as one.

And back in my high school days, I was known as “scrappy.” So while I’m not currently employed by the Cubs, I like my chances.

I love to play baseball. I'm a baseball player. I've always been a baseball player. I'm still a baseball player. That's who I am. - Ryne Sandberg

by Trey2317 on Jun 18, 2009 10:12 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I'd pay you 2.5 mil a year

To do a mediocre job. Can’t do any worse than what we have now…

"If I were playing third base and my mother were rounding third with the run that was going to beat us, I'd trip her. Oh, I'd pick her up and brush her off and say, 'Sorry, Mom,' but nobody beats me." ~ Leo Durocher

by Musicdude10 on Jun 18, 2009 8:52 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Sold.

I love to play baseball. I'm a baseball player. I've always been a baseball player. I'm still a baseball player. That's who I am. - Ryne Sandberg

by Trey2317 on Jun 19, 2009 9:51 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Someone goes hunting with

Dick Cheney.

by lookingdeadred on Jun 18, 2009 10:08 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

LOL

I haz blurg: hotbeans.wordpress.com

by digitalbenjamin on Jun 18, 2009 10:10 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I buy myself a pair of nut-hugging capris

(saw the term on the web the other day and was waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it. BTW, won’t be doing this for me, but for the ladies.)

- Change happens

- The cookie crumbles

Join the BCB Flickr Group: http://flickr.com/groups/bleedcubbieblue

by tony412 on Jun 18, 2009 10:08 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

you like going to the urologist?

ouch!

Sweet Lou for Mayor in '11.

by blackhawk24 on Jun 18, 2009 5:19 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I bring sexy back

Join the BCB Flickr Group: http://flickr.com/groups/bleedcubbieblue

by tony412 on Jun 18, 2009 10:09 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

You mean it went away again?

Damnit!

I've committed to tweeting about the Cubs for the rest of the season. (Does that sound as ridiculous as I think it does?) Anyway, if you're on Twitter, you can follow me here.

by dat cubfan daver on Jun 18, 2009 11:15 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Cubs get sold

by ak123 on Jun 18, 2009 10:12 AM CDT reply actions 1 recs

Hollwood produces a movie

that does over $200 million in domestic box office, and doesn’t make a sequel.

"I'll never forget how I felt last October." ~Kosuke Fukudome

by Goodie1969 on Jun 18, 2009 10:14 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Erin Andrews

Cancels her restraining order against me.

"Check the magic of a winning season and there are always reasons beyond the talent." Ned Colleti

by wrigleyrocker12 on Jun 18, 2009 10:14 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

yours too?

Join the BCB Flickr Group: http://flickr.com/groups/bleedcubbieblue

by tony412 on Jun 18, 2009 10:15 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Apple finds out there is a need

for which there is no app.

"I'll never forget how I felt last October." ~Kosuke Fukudome

by Goodie1969 on Jun 18, 2009 10:16 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Nancy Grace suddenly disappears, forever.

Albert Pujols for Cubs Starting 1B in 2011

by heine41 on Jun 18, 2009 10:23 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

That one would be well worth it...

…even if they had to go scoreless for the rest of the season to make it happen.

by Mike Vails Evil Twin on Jun 18, 2009 11:02 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

recommend

nancy grace is the reason the cubs suck…cant they rename her nancy pujols?

I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.

by hansman1982 on Jun 19, 2009 1:34 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

a few to contribute...

Roger Clemens comes clean

Ahmadinejad admits the election was rigged

Dorks will stop wearing “rally caps” at Wrigley

Al grows a full head of hair

by Neifi Puppy on Jun 18, 2009 10:32 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

The Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup

….and yes I mean that!

Sweet Lou for Mayor in '11.

by blackhawk24 on Jun 18, 2009 10:37 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Ron Santo will prepare for a broadcast

The 5th dentist will recomend sugarless gum.

Meatloaf will do anything for love, including “that”.

The singing frog in the Warner Bros. cartoon will perform for more than one person.

James Bond will indeed say, “never” again.

I'm singing, "GO CUBS GO! GO CUBS GO!" -- DrCrawdad on Jun 12, 2009 7:23 AM CDT

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! -- Homer J. Simpson

by Shanghai Badger on Jun 18, 2009 10:39 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Kennedy's second gunman will be found.

LBJ will decide to run for President in 1968.

Dick Nixon will admit he IS a crook.

Jimmy Carter will develop an allergy to peanuts.

Ronald Reagan will decide he likes the “afro” look and chuck the hair tonic.

GHW Bush will play a game of gin rummy with Saddam- and let him win.

Bill Clinton will let the BIG head do the thinking…

GW Bush will say “my bad”…

President Obama will balance the Federal budget

Sarah Palin will become President…

Go Green! Go White! GO STATE!
King Leonidas: Spartans! What is your profession?
Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH!

by Zeke on Jun 18, 2009 11:03 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

The guy whose name rhymes with

Donnie Hoo Hoo takes a lifelong vow of silence.

by Mike Vails Evil Twin on Jun 18, 2009 11:05 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

A series will occur at new Yankee Stadium without a home run

by wrigleyville-Jerry on Jun 18, 2009 11:06 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

I wonder what the record is

For longest time between series without a homer.

Or how many series it took a new ball park for there to be one without a home run

by Musicdude10 on Jun 18, 2009 8:55 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Well,

Yankee Stadium just saw its first homerless game last night, in which Washington won, 3-0.

I love to play baseball. I'm a baseball player. I've always been a baseball player. I'm still a baseball player. That's who I am. - Ryne Sandberg

by Trey2317 on Jun 19, 2009 10:36 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

See? See?

These things ARE happening!

"You can observe a lot just by watching." ~ Yogi Berra

by Al on Jun 19, 2009 10:56 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

If something else on this list happens today...

watch out.

I love to play baseball. I'm a baseball player. I've always been a baseball player. I'm still a baseball player. That's who I am. - Ryne Sandberg

by Trey2317 on Jun 19, 2009 2:32 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

I will marry Kate Beckinsale

No, that really is going to happen.

"It's been my policy to view the Internet not as an 'information highway,' but as an electronic asylum filled with babbling loonies." - Mike Royko

by DTJchris on Jun 18, 2009 11:10 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Isn't she about ten years older than you?

"You can observe a lot just by watching." ~ Yogi Berra

by Al on Jun 19, 2009 10:57 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Yes

But, I have no problem with that.

"It's been my policy to view the Internet not as an 'information highway,' but as an electronic asylum filled with babbling loonies." - Mike Royko

by DTJchris on Jun 20, 2009 12:05 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

A CEO of a major corporation will say "I really don't deserve my million dollar

salary and stock options." and actually gives the money to the employees.

"Hats for bats.....keep bats warm." - Pedro Cerrano
"Hey bartender, Jobu needs a refill !!!!!!!" - Eddie Harris

by willie mays hayes' gloves on Jun 18, 2009 11:11 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Happened

banker gives employees his bonus

"It's been my policy to view the Internet not as an 'information highway,' but as an electronic asylum filled with babbling loonies." - Mike Royko

by DTJchris on Jun 18, 2009 11:16 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Well, there you have it. The slump is officially over.

"Hats for bats.....keep bats warm." - Pedro Cerrano
"Hey bartender, Jobu needs a refill !!!!!!!" - Eddie Harris

by willie mays hayes' gloves on Jun 18, 2009 11:17 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Soriano just hit a leadoff home run!

And the game hasn’t even started yet!

I've committed to tweeting about the Cubs for the rest of the season. (Does that sound as ridiculous as I think it does?) Anyway, if you're on Twitter, you can follow me here.

by dat cubfan daver on Jun 18, 2009 11:17 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

The Curse has been broken!!!

I predict the Cubs will bat around in an inning today…..

I haz blurg: hotbeans.wordpress.com

by digitalbenjamin on Jun 18, 2009 11:40 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Someone will admit to letting the dogs out.

"Hats for bats.....keep bats warm." - Pedro Cerrano
"Hey bartender, Jobu needs a refill !!!!!!!" - Eddie Harris

by willie mays hayes' gloves on Jun 18, 2009 11:16 AM CDT reply actions 2 recs

rec'd

Get Peavy already! I want my #44 jersey!

by Cub Style on Jun 18, 2009 8:58 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

You didn't hear?

The Baha Men said it wasn’t a question, rather a statement letting people know that it was Ching Lung Hu.

"Check the magic of a winning season and there are always reasons beyond the talent." Ned Colleti

by wrigleyrocker12 on Jun 18, 2009 10:21 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

Hmmm.

Did all these things happen today?

"You can observe a lot just by watching." ~ Yogi Berra

by Al on Jun 18, 2009 4:28 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

You're a witness , Al. I called it!

"Hats for bats.....keep bats warm." - Pedro Cerrano
"Hey bartender, Jobu needs a refill !!!!!!!" - Eddie Harris

by willie mays hayes' gloves on Jun 18, 2009 4:55 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

No....

The one I mentioned will happen in 357 days.

Sweet Lou for Mayor in '11.

by blackhawk24 on Jun 18, 2009 5:20 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

LOL. Apparently they DID Al!

What a hoot and what a great win for the guys. Hopefully this will be the one we talk about come playoff season as the game that turned things around.

Go Green! Go White! GO STATE!
King Leonidas: Spartans! What is your profession?
Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH!

by Zeke on Jun 18, 2009 5:50 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs

The White Sox will actually wear white sox!

But who would ever notice?!

by GeneticCubsFan on Jun 19, 2009 2:36 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Interesting how the white sox

wear black sox when this clearly refers to the second biggest debacle ever…

I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.

by hansman1982 on Jun 19, 2009 1:32 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

Amusing thread

Maybe it’s worked the last two days

"That's what you live for. You live for the opportunity and when that day comes, you better be ready," Soto said. "I tried to make sure that whenever they gave me a chance, I was ready and I knew I had to take advantage of the opportunity."

by Madison Cub Fan on Jun 20, 2009 12:08 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs