There can be no denying it anymore. There is no doubt. You must admit it if you have a brain. The chickens have come home to bear fruit. All you pollyannish Cub fans can go stick your head in the sand. The Cubs payroll has gone out of control with massive contracts to Alfonso Soriano and Carlos Zambrano. Jim Hendry has blown any chance to win a World Series. His ridiculous love of Notre Dame has now put worthless players like Jeff Samardzija, Grant Johnson and Charlie Weis on our payroll with no hope of ever getting good. Don't tell me Weis isn't on contract with the Cubs--he is. Hendry is paying his contract and that why I saw him singing at Wrigley. It's a disgrace the way the one bad apple has us up the creek.
The time to save the season, and America, is now. Tasering and waterboarding are accepted and humane ways to get information out of lousy general managers. Besides, the Geneva Convention only protects ballplayer in uniform and Hendry doesn't wear a uniform unless you count a bad suit from Martin's Big and Tall. It's a fact that the enemies of the Cubs and America are trying to destroy us. Hendry's incompetence may not be incompetence, he might be working for the Cardinals or Al-Qaeda. Both of them want to see the Cubs fail and honestly, there isn't a lot of difference between the two groups anyway. It's a fact and who cares, boo hoo, if you don't like it.
It's time for Ricketts to get out of his penthouse suite and get out his taser and a pitcher of water. Surely you must understand that this is an action that needs to be taken for the good of the organization and America. Dump a bucket of water over his head and fill him full of 50,000 volts. He'll tell us who he's really working for. You silly optimists want to play games with national security but by doing that, we're going to have President Tony LaRussa and Vice-President Osama bin Laden.
In case Ricketts doesn't know what to do it should look something like this but with water.
"Don't Tase Me, Bro!" (UF Student Tasered Remix) (via Tobuscus)