FanPost

Dear dtpollitt,



When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the interpersonal bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Harry Potter Books are created equal (dumb and awful), and that they are endowed by their Creator with uninteresting characters, that among these are Hemoine, Ron and Panthro. — That grown men can care so much about any of these stories or movies violates not only  the laws of God and Man, but also MAN LAW. Relationships which are instituted among Men, derive their bonds from the consent of each party, — That whenever any Form of Relationship becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Better Man to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Relationship, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Relationships long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Relationships, and to provide new Homeboys for their future LAN Parties. — Such has been the patient sufferance of this poster; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Bromance. The history of the present Vice Chancellor of Soup Club Daniel T. Pollitt is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over this poster. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused to stop wearing his Gryffindor Scarf to bed, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Girlfriend to go into private chat with me on the Yahoo Chat Rooms, even when it's of immediate and pressing importance, unless the chat is suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass the Gravy, both white and brown.

He has called together Soup Club meetings at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of bathrooms, for the sole purpose of fatiguing me into compliance with his measures.

He has dismissed my objections repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of my side of the bed and he's a cover hog.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to admit that his snoring wakes me up, whereby the sleep deprivation and fatigue render me incapable of beating him at GTA.

He has endeavoured to prevent the spraying of air freshener in certain instances whereby I am forced to engage my gag reflex.

He has obstructed the Administration of the Remote Control by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing fair and proper use.

He has made microwave pizzas in the microwave and left the the little silver "crisping tray" behind in the microwave for future users of the microwave to dispose of. Also he leaves any extra cooking time on the timer and doesn't clear it so the clock shows.

He has erected a multitude of dirty sock piles in the bathroom and banana peels in the kitchen sink, and sent hither swarms of fruit flies to harass me and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Coldplay CDs.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power. (Ok not really, but I like the way this sounded.)

He has combined with others (shoemile) to subject me to a chorus of mockery for watching Hee Haw.

For overreacting when I forget to pay the Netflix bill:

For protecting the instant queue, by giving me a wedgie if I try and add anything from the "Romantic Comedies" category:

For turning off the hot water when I'm trying to shave:

For imposing Coldplay on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Beef Jerky:

For transporting us beyond the allowable range of my ankle monitor:

For taking away our Cheetos.

For wearing MY Mork from Ork suspenders, and declaring himself invested with power to "walk around half naked in front of you mom when she comes over because this is my house too dammit."

He has plundered my stash of Mars Bars, ravaged the Easy Mac, burnt toast in the toaster and never once cleaned out the crumb tray, and destroyed the lives most of my online character in The Sims 3.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized union.

In every stage of these Oppressions I have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: My repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be my brother from another mother.

I must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold him, as I hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

I, therefore, Santoswoodenlegs, in General Flippancy, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these SBNations, solemnly publish and declare, That this individual poster is, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent, that I am Absolved from all Allegiance to dtpollitt, and that all political, personal, financial and online connection between us, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent poster, I have full Power to levy Fanposts, conclude Fanshots, contract Alliances, establish joint accounts with Hammer, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent posters may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I mutually pledge to take back all of the above if the Cubs win 3 games in a row this year.

— Santoswoodenlegs

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or Al Yellon, managing editor (unless it's a FanPost posted by Al). FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable baseball fans.

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