FanPost

META-BCB, ZOMBIE EDITION: At what point did we run amok?

 

dtpollitt

Uh, all of a sudden we have an owner that wants to take the team in a different direction and...fires Jim Hendry?  Bloody hell!  What is this?!  Next thing we know, zombies are gonna take over the world.

Let's get some facts outta the way.  Between the two of us we have like 45,000 posts on this site, which is ridiculously stupid.  The smarter half (Dan) has been here since January 2006, and the picture-posting guy (SWL), since March 2007.  We're both extremely good-looking, manage internet relationships with women while responsibly keeping children alive, and have not been incarcerated.  Also, we know many keyboard shortcuts, can utilize FanGraphs and Baseball-Reference to convince others that we're right, and have played the greatest baseball video game of all-time, Ken Griffey, Jr. Presents Major League Baseball.  We should be candidates for the GM job.  Let me repeat:

 

 

dtpollitt n SWL formally announce their candidacy for the position of Chicago Cubs General Manager

 

 

In short:

 

39690_medium

 

You're familiar with our style.  If not, pause, and go here.  Or here.  Let's just say our reputation precedes us, much like Milton BradleyLindsay Lohan, and that fat kid with the light saber.  Once again, we model our FanPosts after Joe Posnanski & Bill James' email-exchanges-turned-columns (sorry guys), summarizing all things Cubs, BCB, and..................in this instance, MUTHAF***IN ZOMBIES!  There are A LOT of links (and in SWL's case, questionable images), so if you don't know how your browser's tab function works, now's the time to ask for tech support help. All links should be ours (not that annoying SBN auto-tab feature), open in a new window, and we're hoping this wastes an entire workday morning, or at least a long session on the toilet with your iPhone (formatted for SBN Mobile).  Thanks for nothing, SBN dudes, for the imaginary mobile phone applications.  It's almost 2012.  

 

Grab a Jimmy Johns, a big slurpee from 7-11, and read more below the fold (all stats current as of 08/22/11, or made up).

SWL

Dan, if you and I were half the poster SenoGato was, we'd be trolling a shampoo Twitter account have gotten a call from Ricketts asking us for an interview. Of course, we have the magic of the Internet and also our expert ability to just make stuff up...so harnessing the combined power of this bag of Maple Nut Goodies and your tin of Grizzly...I've set up our very own online interview with Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts! I won't reveal my sources, but I've been told Tom is interested in embracing the latest technology to streamline the organization and he's willing to use this forum to conduct the initial GM interview!

This isn't something we should take lightly, Dan; this position holds almost immeasurable power, and there is such a fine line between success and failure that most ordinary men are unfit to fill this role.  I must ask you to take this interview seriously, and try to not bring up how awesome you are at playing SS for your co-ed softball team.  That's just going to make us look like second-rate fanboys who'd rather spend our time posting pictures of boobs and making fun of people on the Internet than legitimate candidates for the GM position for the Chicago Cubs.  We've given people enough ammo over the years to complain about, we don't need to give then anymore.  Al has even been voicing his displeasure over my recent antics...and don't get me started about people complaining about boobs.

I'm going to make a quick call to the Cub's front office and let Ricketts know we're standing by for his questions.

 

dtpollitt

Here's a 100% accurate biography of our interviewer / future employer:

Tom Ricketts is the chairperson of the Chicago Cubs.  Like Billy Madison, he has a really rich father.  J. Joseph Ricketts is loaded, with one billion dollars or enough money to preorder a lot of iPhone 5s.  Everyone lives at a compound in Nebraska and together the Ricketts run some kind of business that prints money.  Somehow the Ricketts of Corn are related to Wrigley Field and went to college in Chicago or met some girls in the bleachers or something, who the hell cares.  There's no more Old Style, which is stupid. 

 

  




"How do you envision building and sustaining a winning baseball team?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

dtpollitt

You know what I want to talk about, Tom?  Can I call you Tom?  My middle name's Thomas, great, Tom it is.  I want to talk about zombies.  And boobs.  So, lemme pause right there.  We need to visualize some zombies--think The Walking Dead or 28 Days Later or whatever--and boobs, like when this guy yelled "Bbbbyaaaaahhhh!!"  Not in the physical-breastsss kind of discussion, but the faux pas boobs that run ruin this organization.  Some boobs off the top of my head:

  • Mike Quade
  • Alfonso Soriano
  • The guy who thought it was a good idea to have the highest-paid hitting coach; which is like wanting to get more left-handedness after getting swept in the NLDS
  • Carlos Zambrano
  • You
  • Whomever was responsible for sitting on their asses, doing nothing, when guys like Pena & Marshall are not being moved at the trade deadline

Boobs!  An excellent topic!  I'll tell you what's zombie-boob-a-licious: Tyler Colvin.  This young man can be used to repopulate the Cubs organization--hell, the world--and I would love it.  Great boobs on that man, just great boobs.  A lefty outfielder that hits for power and hits his first MLB homer off the Brewers?  I'll take it.  You know who would have great zombie boobs?  Carlos Silva.  Look at those man cannons!

Here's the real question, T-Ricks: What would Tyler Colvin's WAR be if he was a zombie?  Sure, Shawn helped us all understand the real value of WAR, but he missed an extremely important component of current sabermetric research: Zombie players.  Let's break it down:

 

  




"To what extent does sabermetrics play a role in how you promote players and build a 40-man roster?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

dtpollitt

Great question, Tom, and I'mma let you finish, but first I gotta say you gots to check out this awesome new zombie metric SWL and I created.  Well, actually, it's like 27 metrics.  We've already submitted it to BR, FG, and StatCorner (awesome site).  

Zombie acuteness, defined as "Awareness of the human flesh":  Zombie Colvin is a fearsome beast.  He can sense the ball, feel the ball, dive this way and that way, past-a-diving ball towards the flesh.  Think of Zombie Colvin as the Tom Emanski of Zombie drills.  B+

Zombie speed, defined as "Premonition in advancing towards the human flesh":  Zombie Colvin would make for a much more efficient Colvin stealer of bases.  Why, do you ask?  Because if there was only 90 feet between Zombie Colvin and the human flesh, Zombie Colvin would have no fear.  He could chase the shit outta that human.  Probably you, Cubbie-Tim, so watch youself, foo.  C+

Zombie scrapiness, defined as "Are you a white zombie?":  Oooh, I remember this from philosophy class!  A philosophy corollary!  Zombie Colvin is white, thus he is scrappy.  A

Zombie doubletap, defined in Zombieland as "Ability to turn a double play of the human flesh":  Zombie Colvin does not doubletap, but he may Eiffel Tower.  Incomplete.

Zombie don't be a hero, defined in Zombieland as "Not being a hero":  Zombie Colvin has no difficulty not being a hero.  A+

In summary, if we can convert any of the 2011 Cubs to zombies, Zombie Colvin would become the equivalent of a 162.0 WAR.  Zombie Tyler Colvin would be much more useful as a boobed zombie.  Okay, SWL, you're welcome to return to your soap box of bitching about that cat on a PopTart.  

 

  




"Why are there two of you for only one position?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

SWL

First of all Tom, I'd really like to complement you on the way you handled the dismissal of Jim Hendry.  You fired that sucker over a month ago and still got him to not only work for you for the next few weeks, but got him to keep his situation on the down low!  You are one smooth SOB.  Your Soup Club invitation is in the mail. Protip: Don't bring clam chowder...everyone brings that the first time they come to Soup Club...go with a lobster bisque, you'll score mucho points with shoemile.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah...I'll get around to your question in just one moment Tom. I've was going to post this on Dan's Facebook page, but since we're both here right now, I might as well tell him:

So Dan, I've been thinking about this since you sent me that text saying zombies were going to be the answer to this FanPost and I'm certain that I've finally figured out what I've suspected all along. You're brilliant when you're drunk.

 

Mr. Ricketts, Dan and I have a rapport and working relationship unlike anything you've ever seen.  We've been through a lot together.  Ours is a relationship that's has weathered storms and celebrated the sunrise.  When you see us in action, you'll begin to understand just how our special symbiosis is a benefit. 

Now, like you, we too love zombies. As far as I can tell, zombies are nothing more than humans with a single mindedness which enables them to block out any and all external stimuli in their pursuit of  the one thing they crave....brains.  So by this definition, the largest group of zombies I can think of are CUBS FANS.  Yeah, we say we get angry about our championship drought and shake our fists at the sky because of things our players/manager/GM/fanbase/owner/radio-TV broadcasters/etc. do and say, but we still come right back the next day/game/series/month/season and stand around drooling waiting for something that hasn't happened since Lawrence Welk was born. (I hope your dad is reading this) We're all dead inside, we just don't realize it yet.

So if we're zombies, then BCB is like a zombie commune.  Now I don't know how the rest of you operate, but my typical day consists of bolting upright in bed, mid-scream, covered in a cold sweat and stumbling into the shower trying to wash off the memory of the dream I keep having. (<<---NSFW), helping my little zombie sprouts get ready for zombie school and then driving to work while listening to the news and trying to resist the urge to drive head-on into an overpass support. Upon arriving at my office I mumble inaudibly to whoever co-workers are in my way to the coffee pot and after sitting down at my desk I perform 3 tasks:

1. Open Firefox

2.  Delete all the spam in my Outlook inbox

3. Log on to BCB

This is pretty much every single weekday for me and I get the feeling most of you probably do something similar. What does this say about us? Are we addicted? Yeah, probably.  Whether the season ends in failure or...well...so far...failure, we all scramble to this place like ants on a dead animal.  Do you disagree Dan?

 

  




"What two current Cub players would you retain and why?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

dtpollitt

I literally have no idea what the hell you're talking about, SWL, par for the course.  Clearly you haven't seen the classics like Dawn of the Dead (Romero's) and Sex and the City.  As usual, you're worthless, so I have to bring us back around to the issue at hand.  Mr. Ricketts, excellent question, let me rephrase for our sabermetrically-inclined BCB audience: 

How good would the Chicago Cubs be if the lineup was full of zombies?

And I'll lead with your statement, SWL:

We're all dead inside, we just don't realize it yet.

What would be worse--a zombie-led world, or never winning a championship? I think I'll take Zombie Colvin, human Castro, Zombie Byrd, and my championship, thankyouveryf***ingmuch.  

 

SWL

I have to agree with Dan here boss. Byrd is not only a guy who looks good in sunglasses, but he's the best free agent OFer signed in the offseason from the Texas Rangers that we've ever had play OF for us in the past three years. Let's look at what Byrd's WAR would be as a zombie!

Zombie cardio, defined as "How many fat survivors of a zombie attack do you see?": Byrd was signed to play CF even though back in 2007 we signed a previous free agent superstar to a 120 month contract and were told that he was our new leadoff hitter AND CFer. Byrd doesn't look like a CFer, and there were doubts about him being an effective hitter given his home ballpark the previous two years. Well, anyone watching what he's done as a Cub can see that he's at least serviceable in center...and as for batting leadoff, when the manager has let him (5 games in 2010)...he's batting .500 and OPS'ing 1.249!!! Marlon Byrd plays with the energy and enthusiasm usually reserved for rookies. He's got heart. B+

Zombie camouflage, defined as "Blending in":  Take a look at the fans in the bleachers the next time Byrd takes the field before the game starts or after he's made one of his patented NLBTBOOK catches (no-look-behind-the-back-on-one-knee). We all just love this guy.  He runs a lot, he smiles a lot and HE BROKE HIS FACE while trying to win a baseball game. He's not afraid of brick walls, ivy, Ivy Brick Walls, siding with the opposition when they take a cheap shot at our players, grand jurys OR the first pitch of any at-bat. He's ingrained himself into the team and been accepted by the fans faster than one of our bullpen pitchers can walk a lead-off batter. A

Zombie strength: Have you SEEN the man's arms? Having this guy patrolling our outfield virtually guarantees that any baserunners that happen to reach base due to a hit,walk or human Castro error will be erased quite easily.  And by "erased" I mean "eaten". A+

Marlon Byrd's Zombie WAR = (3 English Ladies * (√ONDEC!))³

Oh, and speaking of human Castro....I'll let the cat on a PopTart subject go for now...maybe.

 

dtpollitt

Starlin Castro is the only human cog necessary to lead this zombified Chicago Cubs organization to the World Series.  Why, do you ask, would we suggest a human lead a blithering bunch of flesh-eating dead nobodies to a championship?  Simple.  SWL and I only need three players to win the championship.  That's right, motherf***ers, we're gonna use three players to win a World Series.  

First, we start with Zombie Colvin.  Well, to be honest, we start with many, many pieces of Zombie Colvin.  If we're going to maximize Zombie Colvin's 162.0 WAR, we need to chop him up and feed him to our opponents.  Obviously, this keeps them occupied during the game.  Furthermore, it prevents the opponents from eating human Castro.  And finally, Zombie Colvin isn't much good for anything else.  So our first executive order as General Mangers of the new Zombie Chicago Cubs will be to call Mr. Wu, the famous body destroyer from DEADWOOD.  After Mr. Wu's taken care of Zombie Colvin, we sprinkle approximately 1 1/2 cups of Zombie Colvin beef in the first base dugout, using one of those handy dandy Scott's Seeders.  Quick conversation for you non-sabermetrically-inclined:

1 WAR = 1 WIN ABOVE REPLACEMENT

162 GAMES IN ONE BASEBALL SEASON

ZOMBIE TYLER COLVIN = 162.0 WAR PER SEASON

1 1/2 CUPS ZOMBIE COLVIN BEEF = 1.0 WAR

There.  Our opponents are taken care of for approximately 2-3 hours (sidenote: For this reason, the Zombie Chicago Cubs rarely, rarely make it to extra innings).  

Second, Zombie Byrd roams the outfield.  That's right, motherf***ers, the whole outfield, alone.  He's big, he's angry, he wields two weapons: BALCO, and VICTOR CONTE.  Zombie Byrd, much like Human Byrd, is the only player entrusting Victor Conte for all things supplement driven.  And you know what?  It's worked!  Byrd is able to play multiple (three, actually) positions, and demonstrates no zombie-like ill side effects!  He smells delicious (like Eucalyptus Spearmint), can hold a conversation about the value of Keanu Reeves in Chain Reaction, and still likes hummus!  Hummus!  Seriously, folks, the man is a beast.  

Finally, we return to our folk hero, Human Starlin Castro.  In our zombie reality, Human Starlin Castro plays all four infield positions, plus pitcher.  Castro pitches from second, which is roughly 127 feet (I used the pythagorean theorem to figure that out, I feel so smart) from home.  You're concerned about Castro's accuracy?  Don't be.  Remember, zombies can't feel shit.  If Castro hits one of them, fine, behead that zombie, next zombie up to bat.  Castro pops sunflower seeds like Hayden Panettiere pops champagne.  He makes errors, hits doubles, roams the infield, bats 1-4 in the lineup, and this.

 

SWL

Here is a handy diagram to illustrate exactly how this would work:

0r9tf_medium

The beauty lies in its simplicity.  There's no need for double switches, shading the infield/outfield on the handedness of the batter, etc.  This idea is both revolutionary and has tracked extremely well in all of our focus groups.  It's scored highest with males 18-35 and females 32D to 38EE.  We think we have a winner here, and we're both confident that this simple defensive adjustment alone can virtually guarantee Gold Glove awards for Zombie Byrd for CF and LF...RF is probably still going to go to Justin Upton (we're working on getting him converted into a zombie Cub by 2016).  Human Castro will not win any defensive awards because ESPN has distributed a tape of him to every MLB manager and coach in which he is looking at fireflies during a live pitch being thrown. Nevertheless, this two pronged defensive scheme is our ticket to October baseball and the big parade down Michigan Ave. 

Mr. Ricketts, they say it can take an hour and up to two miles of ocean to turn an fully loaded oil tanker around.  I don't know what that has to do with fixing your terrible baseball team, but it sounded like a nice metaphor.  Dan and I are proposing to fix this for you in far less time than your current plan. Given the amount of money you stand to save in payroll alone, the business side of the organization can expand the ticket tiers to something like the following (ATTENTION Doggie Stalker!  Ticket prices!)...

  • Particle Board Level: $0, yes free...for when we play the Nationals, Orioles and any team that has Ronny Cedeno or Jeff Francoeur. It's immoral to charge people to watch them play baseball.
  • Pip-Squeak Level: $8-$58 day games against non-division opponents not named the Philadelphia Phillies.
  • Head & Shoulders Dandruff Level: $28-$75 day & night games if you bring dandruff to the game.
  • Idiocy Level: $40-$95 night games whenever Blake DeWitt starts in the outfield.
  • Futility Level: $62-$110 any game after the opponent has won more than 3 games in a row.
  • Old Style Level: $86-$135 all games for which the Cardinals are the opponent and we need to hit one of their players in retaliation for something Tony LaRussa ordered.
  • Yellon Level - $1907-$1908 there are only 3 "Yellon Level" games during the regular season.  Tickets are  randomly drawn from an empty Big Gulp container by Mark Grace before spring training.  No purchase necessary. 

This is probably outside the scope of our job description, but it behooves you to see the added value we bring to the table.  Dan wanted to discuss this with you if we ended up with the job, but judging by your blank stare and mild nodding during most of our answers, I'm feeling pretty confident right now and so I'll go ahead and just lay this out there.  We're also announcing our candidacy as team president.  

 

dtpollitt n SWL formally announce their candidacy for the position of Chicago Cubs Team President

 

Seriously Tom, you're going to have to replace Crane Kenny sooner or later, so you might was well do it sooner...with us.  I assume you're already well aware of how lost Crane is in his current job. I ended up talking to him one evening on Omegle (Cleverbot was also in the chatroom) and he was just flat out boring...like as dense as a fruit cake.  I mean, Crane couldn't even hold an intelligent conversation about soup or maple bats or Harry Potter and was utterly unable to identify the puppy in this picture. We just wanted to you to know that besides being utter geniuses at making a zombie baseball team, we're also full of ambition.

dtpollitt

And this concludes our formal line of questioning.  We demand all of the above, an eleven dollar processing fee, this girl be named director of promotions, and that the SWL-It! become a feature in SBN 3.0.  With that, we close the interview with our third installment of the iconic Between the Ivy chat, whereas our board of directors officially announce the Chicago Cubs hiring of dtpollitt n SWL as General Mangers and Team Presidents.  

 

******************************************************************************************************************

 

 

BETWEEN THE IVY CHAT - ZOMBIE EDITION: MODERATED BY RENOWNED ZOMBIE SCIENTIST DR. STUPID

***VIDEO QUESTION***

 

This month's lucky fan, a 12 year old female viking, has submitted a question for Zombie Expert Dr. Stupid.

             

**Online Host**
Welcome to Between the Ivy Chatroom!

*DRStupid removes armpit thermometer*

DRStupid: Thank you for the thoughtful question! Let's see what insight a real-life zombie has on this.

*HotRodd stumbles into the Apple Store*

HotRodd: BLLLLAAARRRRRGGGGG....MMMMMLLLLLUGGGGGGGGAAARRKKKAAARRRRRRR.
DRStupid: You'll have to use regular human speech, these people don't understand zombie.
HotRodd: I wasn't speaking zombie, I just shotgunned a sixpack of Keystone Light and needed to decompress, dillhole.
DRStupid: My mistake, please continue.  And please address me as Dr. Stupid.
HotRodd: It's pretty obvious to anyone with a pulse, Doc, and even more obvious to us zombies without a pulse, that the best zombie teams this year are the Phillies and the Rangers.
DRStupid: What about the Yankees? They won 95 games last year and made it to ALCS.
HotRodd: Look, we've been over this Doc...they're not going to hire you, so stop the brown nosing already. Yeah, the Yankees have a pretty good team, but look at their pitching...and their outfield...and how old their catcher and SS are. I'm pretty sure last year was their last hurrah. Can we please move on now?     HotRodd: NO I DO NOT WANT APPLECARE, I JUST WANT THE DAMN IPAD2 IN WHITE!  IS THAT SO HARD MESSIAH OF BURBANK? A WHITE IPAD2 NO APPLECARE!#rij4hi3u     I(*&^%DTRgyijFGD

 

*ARoid has started his cycle*

ARoid: I'd like to address the notion that the Yankees are past their prime.
HotRodd: Shut the hell up, pretty boy, I'd like to address the notion that it's OK for men to shave their bodies. Look, it's tight-pants wearing, Ed Hardy t-shirt buying tools like you that have taken away what it means to be a man and turned it into some stupid fragrance commercial. I'd chew off your face and eat your brain if I didn't think it would make my mullet fall out and turn my skin fake-tan orange.
::cries, whimpers::*
HotRodd: Oh you whiny little bitch. Yeah, look if you wanna hang here you're gonna have to be useful. Go over to the Seven-Eleven and pick me up a PayDay bar.
DRStupid: Gentlemen, I think we've gotten off track here. Don't you both agree that I'm right when I say...
ARoid: ::sniffles::You're wrong.
HotRodd: Heh, even this greasy douchebag is on to you Doc. I take back some of what I said about you earlier, fancycheeks. Buy you know what really pisses me off? Baseball players that think they can have it all cozy and kosher. And not that Jewish kind of kosher, I mean like massage tables in the trainer's room, walking around the locker room with clothes on, bitchin' about playing games in back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back days, that kinda shit. You know who we need more of? Guys like Kyle Farnsworth. Guys like Kenny F***in' Powers.
ARoid: BRB!  ERRANDZ!
DRStupid: Now hold on just a minute! I was a major league pitcher for over a decade and even won a Cy Young award, so I'd like to think I know something about what it takes to be a successful baseball team.
HotRodd: Yeah, well...I'd like to think you did too, but I'm dead and have no measurable brain activity and I'm better qualified to run, manage and comment on the game of baseball than you. You want to know what it takes to really be a great ballplayer? You've got to have a total and complete lack of GAS.

*Viva la Gwyneth has logged in via iPad 2 *

Viva la Gwyneth: What does farting have to do with baseball? Oh, I think you meant GIS...Google Image Search. I use it all the time to find cool pics of myself, but that doesn't mea....
HotRodd: No no no! Ballplayers shouldn't even use the internet, hell...if it weren't for www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com I wouldn't have ever learned how to use a browser. GAS stands for "GIVE A SHIT". Ballplayers can't EVER GAS. Two out and a full count on the batter with the bags full? I don't GAS, I'm throwing this guy my best pitch right over the plate and daring him to hit it. You just struck out for the 7th consecutive time? A real ballplayer won't GAS. He just digs in like he expects to triple to right. I mean, this one time, Powers and I were in this Vietnamese whore house and he had a game in 11 hours--ELEVEN HOURS! We were in Vietnam! He was due to start against Oakland, the clock's tickin', and all he's worried about is doing sake bombs! Needless to say...ah, hell, nevermind..wait..what the...whose the broad?

*The Count of Monte Cristi spits seeds *

The Count of Monte Cristi: heyyouguys you ever seen all the people that sit out in the stands at the ballpark?  you really should turn around some time, its neat.

*BALLplayer has injected himself into chat-stream *

BALLplayer: mmman i hate Powers. That guy stole every page out of my book. He's nothing but a cheap mimic.  is it mimic?  or mime?  ::hat size grows to 7 5/8::
DRStupid: Gentlemen, we really should get back on point here.
BALLplayer: you mean talk more about this stupid zombie stuff? n1 cares about dead ballplayers man, hell ive broken the most important dead records anyway.
ARoid: Hey, I got that PayDay you wanted.
HotRodd: WHAT THE...this is all wrong. I told the guy I wanted a WHITE iPad 2...oh hell, at least you brought the PayDay bar.
Viva la Gwyneth: OOhhh...you got an iPad too? Neato. Lemme show you my favorite Youtube video.
ARoid: Geeze man, I'm sorry...I just wanted to...
HotRodd: Make me vomit? Keep yappin' and you'll get to see what a Denny's Grand Slam looks like after 45 minutes and a six pack of The Key! I swear baseball will be deader than I am in 5 years if you're the type of player people pay money to see and teams want in their lineup. I can distinctly smell the overpowering aroma of GAS on you.
BALLplayer: im out of here, you guys dont even want to discuss anything remotely interesting...ihad more walks in 2004 than ne1 had hits.
DRStupid: Except for Ichiro.
BALLplayer: Japanese don't count.
ARoid: He plays for the Mariners...I used to play for them.

*BALLplayer has gone off his cycle*

The Count of Monte Cristi: woah gwyneth! this video is great! im gonna bookmark this on my iphone so i can watch it when i get bored between pitches.
DRStupid: I'd really like to try and answer the original question now.
Viva la Gwyneth: Ugh, I'd really like to have a Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice. I'm like totally famished.  Helping children in Africa with Sean Penn is exhausting. 
The Count of Monte Cristi: theres a starbucks just down the block between the apple store and the 7-11, ill walk down there with you..i need another bag of seeds anyway.  david's are the best.
Viva la Gwyneth: THE WAT STORE?
The Count of Monte Cristi: david seeds?  the pickle ones ar--oh, the apple store.  computers n shit.  steve jobs r.i.p.
Viva la Gwyneth: OMG...they have a store named after my daughter? This is so great! Walk with me and I'll tell you all about the DeGournay hand painted wallpaper I have in my living room, it's just to DIE for.

*The Count of Monte Cristi & Viva la Gwyneth prance the night away to "Clocks"*

**online host**

*THRILLER PUMP-UP MUSIC IN BACKGROUND*

I_Got_a_Brain_Freeze_at_DQ: Glaarrrrg....hitsssssssssssssssssssss
ARoid: Oh man, this guy was stumbling around outside and followed me all the way back from the 7-11, I can't seem to get rid of...OWWW!!! Hey...GAH...aianhwaeianiabaolllllll.................
DRStupid: What's going on?
HotRodd: Looks like the law of averages just caught up with him...also that zombie head guy is eating Yankee Boy's lungs right now. That reminds me of this one time Powers and I were in Cleveland, we weren't supposed to be in Cleveland...our game was in Detroit, and anyway, Kenny had this one chick in Cleveland that he was always talking to on the phone. It was something like $3.95 a minute to talk to her, but he had worked out some kinda deal with her and could get like 20 minutes for $20. Anyway, we're AWOL in Cleveland in the middle of September going all over hell and back looking for a Scream mask, you know the mask the guy in Scream wore? Kenny insists that he have one to wear when he goes to see this girl...I forget what happened, but man Cleveland is a crappy city.  LeBron, man, LeBron.  BLLLLAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!
DRStupid: I'm not sure you even know the point of this chat. This entire exercise is useless and I'm the only one trying to keep you dead ass posters on topic here. Consider this my last post. I'm leaving...for good.

*TomCat preens himself*

TomCat: Well, I can't say I'm going to miss him.
HotRodd: Don't think for one second that Mr. Pantywaste was being serious. He'll be back as soon as I say something he doesn't like. He can't help himself. I'm sharpening the edge of this iPad right now.
TomCat: I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that. You need to go back and read the posting guidelines here on Between the Ivy. I've had some complaints about you and the Dr. from other users. Now somebody clean up this bloody mess and get this zombie out of my building!
DRStupid: The way you let zombo run amok is embarrassing TomCat. I've seen better run kindergarten classes. I'm the only guy who brings the goods to this site and you know it. You let this fat sweaty zombie and these other clowns bash me with ZERO consequences...f#&*ing A&&#@%*! all of you can &@!# my &*#@!!. Go to hell!
HotRodd: Up your butt good doctor...I know damn well I bring the goods. Say hello to my little friend.

*10-man realizes he's on the air*

10_man: Oh GEEZE! GOSH! You're killing me! AWWWW! Pat are we live?  Err, are you live?
DRStupid: What in the...hey...why is he stumbling towards me like that?
10_man: Man! GEEZE! COME ON! Don't run...what's the matter? You got cold feet? HAHAHAHA!!!!
TomCat:

ENOUGH!

 

DRStupid: Get away! NO! He's....he's...TAKING OFF HIS HAIR? NO!!! Stooooooop! Stoommmmmmmphhhhhhhhhhhh....
HotRodd: I never get tired of watching that hairpiece asphyxiate someone. Chow down old friend!!!!
10_man: Mumphhh..Claunggggg...Hall of Fame this!
I_Got_a_Brain_Freeze_at_DQ: Mummph...Lunnnnnkk.
HotRodd: Yeah, go ahead. It looks like there's plenty to go around.
***MODERATOR MODE ENABLED***

 

DIRECTIVE 51 INITIATED

 

TomCat: I can't believe I had to bring down the ad-hoc ban-hammer. I suppose this just reinforces what those two idiots were telling me earlier about zombies and the ineffectiveness of the traditional "baseball guy" mindset. Hmmmm.
**online host** *BETWEEN THE IVY CHAT SESSION DISCONNECTED*------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

WE INTERRUPT THIS FANPOST TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM CUBS CHAIRMAN TOM RICKETTS

 

 

 

Cubs name dtpollitt n SWL General Manager/Team President dual role

 

September 1,2011

CHICAGO - Chicago Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts announced today that two virtually unknown outsiders known only by their internet username "dtpollitt n SWL" have been named the team's new general managers and presidents.

dtpollitt n SWL are lifelong Cubs fans and have extensive knowledge of internet culture, zombie statistics, good TV shows and are the founders and operators of the wildly successful Soup Club, which has been featured on both The Food Network and Oprah.  Also, dtpollitt was the starting shortstop and cleanup hitter for his co-ed championship softball team.

Prior to working for the Cubs, they're spent several years building a reputation as some of the brightest and most attractive posters on the SBNation site BLEEDCUBBIEBLUE.  dtpollitt received a bachelor's degree in sudoku from Ball State, a master's in video games from The Citadel in 2002. and is currently finishing another bachelor's in noodling studies at Tuskegee Institute. dtpollitt enjoys reading the NYTimes, Harry Potter, and has never been to Wrigley Field.

SWL neglected to send in the questionnaire with any pertinent information for this release. He just rambles a lot and likes images that make the rest of us feel "icky". However, the document was returned with several unidentified stains and this list written across the back in pink glitter gel-ink:

  • Paper Towels - the fuzzy ones with the sexy lumberjack - 4 rolls
  • Duct Tape - Duct Tape - Duct Tape -¡QUACK LOL! -
  • Vaseline (big container?)
  • 30-30 Winchester 170GR Flat-Point - 3 boxes
  • bacon - only if sale or if out of GRANDS DINNER ROLLS
  • CAPERS
  • green food coloring
  • when will i feel alive again?
  • Pistachio Ice Cream
  • 1 bar Lava Soap
  • Update hiking high-points of states blog

 

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or Al Yellon, managing editor (unless it's a FanPost posted by Al). FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable baseball fans.

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