FanPost

What if Starlin Castro Spontaneously Combusted?



We all know that Starlin Castro is really starting to heat up. But he's still got me worried, and after reading an article on people just bursting into flames with no apparent reason, it led me to ask a few questions.

First: what would we do if Starlin gets so hot that his body starts to burn up as he is standing there on the field? I am especially worried about those dry, summer days when the wind is blowing out and there is no moisture in the air. He gets a couple of knocks, maybe gets lucky and makes a slick fielding play, and suddenly we have Johnny Storm in our infield.

I'm worried that Theo and Jed (I think we should call them something like "Thed" or "Jeo." Of course, "Jeo" would get people confused with Geovany Soto. So I think it has to be "Thed".) Anyway, I am worried that Thed doesn't have any contingency plan for this occurrence. Paul Sullivan wrote that they haven't been around the Cubs lately. Is it because of the upcoming draft, or because they don't have an answer for what to do when Castro erupts in hellfire. (I am pretty sure Jim Hendry would have done it differently. Probably would have involved a trade for Brendan Ryan.)

Other questions? If he (Castro, not Hendry or Thed) did burst into flame, how would that effect the rest of the infield? Could Barney slide over to short? Would he be affected by the charred ashes of Starlin Castro lingering there? Would the grounds crew clean him up? Or would they just rake his remains into the infield clay like Diamond Dry?

Do you think maybe we could maybe assign somebody like Joe Mather to carry a bucket of water at all times in hopes of putting Castro out? Or is that too much to ask of a utility guy. Maybe Tony Campana could do it - you'd want a guy who could get there quickly, but he's so small that he wouldn't be able to carry much water. I am thinking it would have to be Mather.

I guess the only real solution is to trade Castro for someone less likely to explode into a human conflagration. I read that the Blue Jays are down on Adam Lind - perhaps we could package Castro and a couple of prospects for Lind, J.P. Arencibia and one of their top pitching prospects. Arencibia would allow us to get rid of Koyie Hill. I hate that guy.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of SB Nation or Al Yellon, managing editor (unless it's a FanPost posted by Al). FanPost opinions are valued expressions of opinion by passionate and knowledgeable baseball fans.

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