When I was in little league, if I screwed up a play, I would act as if some injury caused me to miss the ball, when in actuality, it was a lack of basic skill coupled with clumsiness that had far earlier ruined my chance of athletic success. That was NOT the case last night with David DeJesus, who knocked in the game winning hit and then crashed into a wall, exploded into flames, and will now be on the disabled list, for how long? Nobody knows yet.
Here's DeJesus crashing into a Geico sign.
He then, exploded into flames, and was engulfed in a fiery ball.
Fortunately, the Cubs hottest hitter, Nate Schierholtz, is also a volunteer fireman, and he instructed Darwin Barney to spit sunflower seeds on the flaming DeJesus.
The fire was put out promptly by the seeds, and DeJesus walked off the field under his own power hanging his head in shame, while Dale Sveum itched a hemorrhoid.
Suspicious Cubs fans were quick to react on Twitter last night, speculating that this "fiery crash" into a Geico sign, was actually a new form of advertising, deployed by the Rickett's family to provide another revenue stream for the team. Progressive Insurance, and their peppily annoying spokeswoman, Flo, has been seen at Cubs' Corporate offices in recent days, reportedly to negotiate a subliminal advertising deal with the Cubs to bring down rival Geico. What better way than with a fiery crash into a Geico sign?
Still other fans postulated that DeJesus would rather spend time with his hot wife Kim than hang around a bunch of stinky dudes all day losing baseball games. If DeJesus truly did 'take a dive' for new streams of ad revenue last night, the situation will prove to be a "win win" for DeJesus's love life, and the teams' coffers.
If you were a millionaire with a hot wife on a last place team, wouldn't you take a few weeks off?
The media attention immediately turned to other Cubs' players and their wives, wondering who on the team would "go down" next in order to spend time with their hot wives. Rumor has it, that projects are in the works for Starlin Castro to become sickened to the point of "on field vomiting", by "Miracle Grow" during the upcoming series in Oakland in order to promote Cubs sponsor "Scotts Turf Builder", and to spend more time with his "girlfriend", exotic dancer 'Wildkat Wanda'. While Alfonso Soriano has reportedly agreed to be killed by the Toyota sign over the left field bleachers in order to get away from his 4 rambunctious kids and jealous wife, and to promote the 2014 Ford Focus, a recent sponsor of the Cubs.
The sign is scheduled to fall and fatally wound Soriano during a September 4th afternoon game against Miami to minimize fan casualties, as attendance is expected to be sparse.
Tom Rickett's recently said in an interview that never actually happened, that in order to put a winner on the field, the team needs to explore other more unconventional ways to make money. In addition to the concerts, football and hockey games held at Wrigley Field, the Cubs are also considering a "happy endings" massage parlor in the batters eye, growing marijuana in the bullpens, and in the off season, possibly setting fire to the entire structure for the insurance money, and moving the team to Rosemont. "We have to explore all avenues" Ricketts didn't really say. "Baseball is a business, and I'm a billionaire!" He then laughed maniacally for 21 minutes and passed out in a giant pile of rubies he keeps next to his desk. Though that didn't really happen.
With the 2013 trade deadline looming, and a general malaise hanging over the team, now seems like the perfect time to put the Cubs unconventional renovation plans into effect. Throughout the year, we will most likely see more strange injuries like the one to DeJesus last night. Who will it be next? Time will tell. But this is how a Championship Team is built. With Money. Lot's and lot's of money. As some guy one time once said, "Can't Make an Omelette Without Breaking a Few Eggs." Raw eggs don't taste very good, but omelettes are delicious.