In a daring move that has shocked the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs have traded their entire team to the New York Yankees for a team to be named later. Alfonso Soriano, traded to the Yankees last week, was only the test balloon for this major transaction, as Tom Ricketts, not happy with the miniscule size of the new scoreboard, thought it in the best interest of the Cubs to just trade the entire team. Theo Epstein, The Cubs president was enthusiastic about the deal to be completed today, remarking that the Cubs will save 137 million dollars this year, and have a chance to compete next year, as the Yankees plan on sending their hottest prospects, prime players and aging superstars to the Cubs, in order to secure winning seasons on the North Side of Chicago, and losing seasons in the Bronx next year and beyond. Alfonso Soriano is expected to stay with the Yankees however, as he is exactly the kind of player the Yankees are looking to lose with.
The Yankees, perennial playoff contenders, with 27 World Championships under their belts, are suffering from what fans and local New York papers are calling "fan winning fatigue". Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager, and Ex-Cub, said yesterday in the NY Post, "Listen, we can't even sell out the Divisional Playoff series, because Yankee fans are too used to success. I'm excited to be managing a bunch of Cubs prospects who won't pan out and to finally have a game blowing bullpen. This brings me back to when I played for the Cubs. It feels like home." Hank Steinbrenner, who's attempting to emerge from his fathers epic shadow with this move, is hoping to provide losing seasons in the Bronx for years to come. "It's unfair that the Cubs are so terrible, yet they continue to pack the stadium, or field, or park, or whatever it is....that's what I want for the Yanks. Winning isn't cutting it for these fans, so lets try losing for a while. It's cheaper, and then there's more money for me" Steinbrenner then blew his nose in a 50$ bill, and continued. "My dad was great at winning, me, not so much, so I'm gonna do what I'm good at. I only got the job cause I'm my Dad's son. Everyone knows that I'm in over my head."
The Cubs are expected to receive all of the Yankees players by the time pitchers and catchers report in February of 2014. In the meantime, the Cubs will field a team of amateur's within the Cubs organization. Chicago will go to a two man rotation, which hasn't been seen in baseball for decades. Anthem singer, Wayne Messmer will also double as pitching staff ace, and unofficial mascot Ronnie Woo Woo, will take the ball on alternate days. The rest of the lineup will be filled with grounds crew, ushers, and parking lot attendants for the remainder of 2013.
The Cubs organization, in a message to fans on Tuesday night said, "We understand the rebuilding process is slow and painful, so we decided to scrap the entire deal and just be the Yankees. It's just easier that way."
What will the Cubs do with the savings? Well, plans are to build more pedestrian bridges to Wrigley Field. In addition to the two pedestrian bridges already approved by the city, the Cubs plan on building a bridge from the 7-11 on Addison and Sheffield into the upper deck, and another bridge from Oak Street Beach directly into the Captain Morgans Club. The latter bridge, will also be the longest pedestrian bridge in the world, beating out the Capilano Suspension Bridge across the North Vancouver’s Capilano Valley in Canada.
Todd Rickett's, the younger and less talented brother of Tom was quoted Tuesday, "I like bridges...I mean...they are sooooo cool. Much better than walking on the ground where you could have an ant crawl up your pant leg, or have an air conditioner fall on your head. That sort of thing never happens on a bridge!"
Weary Cubs' fans have taken the news in stride, faithfully trusting in Theo Epstein's amazing talent. One drunken Cub fan, remarked after yesterday's double header loss to the Brewers, "Dallas Green is the man...he got Keith Moreland from the Phillies, and Ryne Sandberg too. The Yankees are freakin awesome. Go Cubbies!" When informed that Dallas Green hasn't worked for the Cubs in over 20 years, the fan ripped off his shirt and ran down the street screaming..."woooooooooo!". "Woo" indeed my friend. "Woo" indeed.