10. In a classic feat of misdirection, the Cubs reveal the Baez’s stint on the AAA DL was a complete fabrication. He is called up and starts at 2B where he becomes the first player in major league history to hit 3 home runs and hit for the cycle in the same game.
9. Bud Selig, in the pregame ceremonies, announces the Cubs will host the 2019 All-Star game.
8. Realizing this generation needs a Morganna, Kate Upton runs onto the field in the second inning to give Anthony Rizzo a kiss prompting Jim Deshaies to inform viewers "that it is a bit nipply at the old ballpark".
7. In addition to the pre-game bi-plane flyover, after every inning flyovers occur with planes representing each decade of the last 100 years. After the game, the US military states that it was pure coincidence that multiple ordinances (a B-17 bomb, some napalm, and a smart bomb) all happened to land on Beth Murphy’s car. In addition, the video from the smart bomb smashing into her car is the #3 top play of the day on ESPN.
5. Since they are not technically wearing Cubs Jerseys, Junior Lake asks Ernie Banks if he could wear #14 during the game. Ernie obliges and Junior is so caught up in the excitement of the day, he actually dons the alternate Chicago Federals home jersey much to his chagrin
4. After the third inning, 3 former Cubs Catchers (Barry Foote, Hector Villenueva, and Dioner Navarro) participate in the "Clean the plate" eating contest where they have to chow down a Vienna beef hot dog, a plate of nachos, and a slice of Giordanos pizza. Dioner wins the contest in 3.247 seconds
3. Steve Bartman decides to take the day off from work to enjoy watching with his family the Cubs winning 22-2 in complete anonymity
2. Since he realizes he has six hours to kill as the Obamacare website processes and saves his application, Barack Obama takes Tom Ricketts up on his offer to participate in the pre-game festivities. Being the fiscally responsible President that he is, Barack requests to park his Limo in the free remote lot. Since it is closed, it causes him to show up 7 minutes late. At that time, a member from the Cubs Marketing department informs him that schedules are tight and he won't partake in the ceremonies as they politely escort him to his 9th row obstructed seats in section 536 with the two other fans dumb enough to wear a White Sox hat.
And the #1 item…. Ronnie Woo-Woo has such a severe case of laryngitis that 40,000 fans get to enjoy the game in a manner not seen in what feels like 100 years…..