Corey Patterson Officially Named Whipping Boy

San Diego (AP) - Chicago Cubs centerfielder Corey Patterson was officially annointed "Cubs Whipping Boy" during a pre-game ceremony in San Diego Saturday.

The position had been vacant since the trade of maligned closer turned middle-reliever turned mop-up man Latroy Hawkins to the San Francisco Giants last week.

"Utility man Jose Macias filled in as an interim whipping boy, but the role is best suited for a player who fails to live up to his potential," a Cubs spokesman said. "As Macias has no potential, he cannot have the position full time."

As "Whipping Boy," Patterson will be under critical observation at all times. All errors will be magnified, while positive achievments are grudgingly acknowleged or perhaps seen as progress. The player can add to the role by saying stupid things to the media and generally underperforming.

"I realize the importance of this role, and I relish the opportunity to live up to the standard set by my predecessors, such as Latroy, Todd Hundley, Delino DeShields, Willie Greene, Jeff Blauser and dozens of others whose names were told to me by a staff person, but who I really wasn't listening to because I saw myself in the mirror, and damn did I look good," Patterson said.