Flipping back and forth between the game and the MMA matches. Shamrock was taken off the card before the bout, and a young guy stepped up and agreed to fight Slice. Beat the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out of him in under 20 seconds.

If this can happen here, then it can happen in baseball. When nobody else has your back, time to move your back. Yeah, we are playing bad, but it's not over until the last out.

I mentioned in the Rays-Cubs thread a couple days ago that I thought the Cubs would take 2 of 3, simply because we have been winning games lately we normally would lose. No excuses from me, we got flat outplayed in this series. We had mental breakdowns, our normally steady bullpen got hammered, and the young talent of the Rays brought it all series. My hat is off to the Rays, who are (and have been for years) my favorite AL team. The Rays kicked ass, and the Cubs looked like little-leaguers.

What a talented team you guys have in Tampa, and you should be very proud. As most road games I attend for the Cubs, we seemed to pack the stadium, but I earnestly hope the folks in the Tampa Bay region realize what a gem of a team is playing right there in the Bayand get behind that team to keep growing it and become a powerhouse. God, please beat the brakes off the Yanks and Red Sox, and maybe ESPN will get off their jocks.

As always, I have had a wonderful time here, and the Rays fans have been a lot of fun and incredibly hospitable. Thanks to Jared, Eddie, Ashley, and the other chick (sorry I can't remember the name) for buying me drinks to drown my sorrows after the game at the bar. You guys were great fun and I hope you remembered the name of this site and joined up to read. Thanks for those Jagerbombs, though I think my liver is crying right now.

Best of luck to the Rays, I would love to see you guys again in October and maybe y'all can leave some of the talent at home. :)

Well, I am as excited as I can be. Whether the game is rained out or not, I am off work Monday to watch at home. The routine varies, but this year will start differently, in hopes of finding the right mix.

8:00 Wake up, get coffee

8:45 Head to massage appointment

10:00 Head home, drink bottle of water, stop and put ice on beer in cooler

10:15 Arrive home, turn on WGN for game day festivities and documentaries. Make pitcher of bloody mary.

12:00 Make hot dogs with chili and cheese, switch from Bloody Mary to Budweisers

2:20 Game time! Continue consumption of Budweiser.

5:00 Try to be relatively sober and happy when Mrs. Cubbie gets home.

5:30 - ???: Explain the broken TV, curtains pulled down, empty beer cans strewn around living room, and why my step-cat won't come near me.

So Cub fans, what's your opening day plans?

Cubs Sign New Fan to Loooooong-term deal

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Warning, this is long, with lots of rambling, so if you are genuinely interested in the book, scroll to the bottom. :)

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Recently, I had the opportunity to catch up with Cubs infielder Mike Fontenot to discuss things about the season, his career, and life in general.

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Florida Cubbie: Mike, first of all, thanks for allowing me to interview you. Taking into consideration my disdain for the word "interview", I would like to just call this a conversation.

Mike Fontenot: Anytime, it's a pleasure to talk to fans.

FC: Let's face it though, Font. You would much rather be talking to Erin Andrews or Rosie O'Donnell, am I correct?

MF: Halfway correct.

FC: There's a lot of talk on certain Cub fan blog sites of things that go on in the minor leagues -- conspiracy theories if you will. Speaking of Rosie, one theory is that Cedeno plays poorly inthe big leagues because he has a "certain someone" back in Iowa he wants to get back to see.  Any truth to that rumor?

MF: Well, Ronny has a certain aura about him in Iowa. It's not uncommon to have guys be snazzy dressers, but it's odd to see that in a place like Iowa. The women have winter coats there, kind of an extra layer to keep them warm. It's quite nice really, and nuzzling up beside one brings back mammaries -- err, memories of being in the womb. Maybe he has bonded with that feeling and longs for it in his loins.

FC: Font -- do you mind if I call you Font?

MF: Call me anything you want, man.

FC: What about Eugene?

MF: Whatever you want.

FC: Okay, Mr. McMilkySkin. You were acquired from the Orioles in a trade that sent Sammy Sosa to the O's. Is that a career highlight, to be involved in a trade with a player with that star power?

MF: Well, I wouldn't call it a highlight. It's pretty demeaning because it took like, 4 or 5 of my caliber players to make the work. You get used to that in baseball, it's a business. I am thinking of naming my child "Player to be Named Later" so that I know he will have a job in this game.

FC: Milk, I mean, Mike...I have to bring this up. You're pretty white. Like, borderline from being the Chris Mullin of baseball. Do you ever feel, you know, really weird standing next to someone much darker, say Felix Pie?

MF: Wow, that's a low blow. Felix is very dark. I mean, one time in Iowa, we had a night practice, and he was fined for being absent, even though he was right by me. In the minors, when we were on the bus, we would put all the guys who wanted to rest and sleep on the back of the bus. All the guys who wanted to play cards would go up front. If the card players needed light, I would go to the front of the bus, and Felix would go to the back. It was our own little traveling solar system.

FC: So, who would have been, you know...the planets and stuff?

MF: Murton would have definitely been the North Star. Greatest minor leaguer I have ever seen. Soto is a close second, he rakes in the minors.

FC: There's a rumor of Mark Cuban buying the Cubs. What would you think of that?

MF: I'm all for it, I like being pampered. We could use a couple of tanning beds in the clubhouse. Maybe a Supercuts or something to keep Hank's Mexi-Mullett trimmed up nice and tight.

FC: Tell me about the dark secrets of the clubhouse and being on the road with these guys for most of the year. Let's start with Dempster, who is regarded as a funny guy himself.

MF: Demspter is addicted to tech stuff. He carries his laptop on the road, and enjoys talking dirty with himself using text-to-speech software on lonely west-coast flights.

FC: So tech stuff is his hobby?

MF: No, his hobby is blowing saves. (laughs) Actually, I think he is getting a kickback from medical researchers who use his outings as stress tests for patients. It saves money on the treadmill test, they can just tune in the 9th inning and get it done faster.

FC: Tell me about D-Lee.

MF: He's tall. He is like the Sears Tower, and I'm like, a strip mall or something. Run down, low-rent, and generally loved by poor people.

FC: Do fans ever yell out to you by your nickname of "Font"?

MF: Umm, yeah, sometimes. It's not a unique name. Not like McMilkFace or whatever you called me.

FC: Do you ever worry that when someone yells out "Font" that they may be actually a fan of Times New Roman or Sans Serif?

MF: I have no idea what that is, is that an Italian wine or something?

FC: What was your best career day with the Baltimore organization?

MF: The day I heard I was being sent to the Cubs.

FC: Growing up in Louisiana, did you ever eat mud?

MF: It was a staple of the Slidell diet.

FC: You and Theriot have played together a lot. Is there a mental connection that you two have grown to share?

MF: We're not gay, if that's what you are getting at. He's a spaz, man. Riot is a grinder. He gets all the ladies too. He is a poor man's Brad Paisley, but he doesn't sing as good. He tries to win karaoke contests. His sensual and godlike renditions of the Star Spangled Banner made him an instant Iowa celebrity when he was awarded the entire Iowa Lottery. He won like 14 ears of corn. It was crazy.

FC: Wow. Enough to feed the team almost.

MF: Almost! He is a mysterious being, often shrouded in secret musings about such odd topics like "If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?". He once sent an email to the UN Ambassador to the country of Botswana asking to change the name of their country to "Autobotswana". I guess he likes Transformers.

FC: In light of recent troubles with athletes, does it concern you about the role of athletes as role models for children?

MF: Nah, most parents do a good job with their kids, but I try to be positive. After the Michael Vick deal, I started "Bad Bloomz Kennels" andhave begun breeding dandelions for fighting and gambling purposes.

FC: Dang, that's ruthless.

MF: No, I breed them so they don't use pistils. I don't allow weapons and handguns.

FC: Interesting. And that appeals to you?

MF: Well, it helps me stamen out of trouble. I can petal my wares to buyers who are looking for that kind of thing.

FC: Let's do a little word association. I'll say a word, you tell me the first thing you think of.

MF: Shoot...

FC: Error.

MF: My computer.

FC: Pimento Cheese.

MF: Sweet Lou's breath.

FC: Natural Light.

MF: Tony LaRussa's breath.

FC: Noodle

MF: Either catching catfish back home in Louisiana, or Jacque Jones' arm.

FC: Steve Goodman

MF: That movie "The Babe". Man, he was awesome, looked just like Babe Ruth. I liked him as Dan Connor in Roseanne too.

FC: Umm...okay...how about "lazy"

MF: Stuart Scott's eye.

FC: Mike, I know you have to get ready for the game, so thanks for your time and good luck.

MF: Thanks a lot, it has been fun. Tell all the guys at bleedcubbieblue.com that I read all the time and they can lay off the personal attacks. I have feelings too, you know.

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[Note: This interview is fictional, and never happened. This was written as humor and/or satire, and does not represent the opinions, thoughts, or words of Mike Fontenot.]

This piece was inspired by the minor league players of the Iowa Cubs. Many of the players claim Mike Fontenot is the funniest teammate they have ever had, so I chose to poke some fun with it.

Until next time, GO CUBS!

Florida Cubbie

It's an oft-said thing, to sacrifice something for something else. But what if it were true? This Cub fan takes the events of the last few days and ponders on whether it is worth giving up or hanging on.

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