clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The Cubs Gear House of Horrors

New, 22 comments

BCB's Danny Rockett takes a terrifying trip into the Cubs Online Clearance Rack! Not for the faint of heart!! Bwahahahahaha!!!!

Beware of Baseball Bargains! A calamity of a clearance rack! This ghastly gear is every fan's nightmare! A journey from the useless to the horrifyingly tacky. Join me in the Haunted Mansion of Malevolent Merchandise!

Zombie Bobblehead

After five straight fifth-place finishes, this Cubs Zombie Bobblehead seems the perfect trophy to symbolize the Cubs death and rebirth. The team has certainly resembled the walking dead at times, but with "the smartest guys in the room" at the helm of the Cubs front office, the zombie Cubs have plenty of delicious brains to eat!

Carlos Zambrano Bobblehead

Speaking of the walking dead, this Carlos Zambrano Bobblehead can be yours for only $15! With half off a second one, you can have two for $22! A bargain when compared to his $18 million per year contract! Now that was scary!

Carlos Marmol Figurine

What could be more frightening than Carlos Marmol's pitching performances at the beginning of 2013? This figurine is more spine tingling than a tie game with the bases loaded and Marmol on the mound!!!

2013 Desk Calendar
Want to relive the terrible 96-loss season that was 2013? Now you can! With this handy desk calendar! For only $12, you can hearken back to the evil reign of Dale Sveum and be two days early for every appointment in 2015!

Barney Jersey

Looking to save $48.02 on a Cubs Authentic Jersey? This Darwin Barney jersey has a price lower than his batting average! His hitting still haunts me!

Cubs Potty Ring

Speaking of in the toilet... Wear this potty ring around your neck as a Halloween costume and go as the Cubs 2012 season.

Soriano shirt

Are you an extra- or extra-extra-large man who dreams of featuring Alfonso Soriano's rear end on their extra- or extra-extra-large belly? Well, have I got the T-shirt for you! For only $10, you'd have to be as brain-dead as a zombie to pass up this bargain.

Homebody shirt

What parent doesn't want to send their kindergartener to school with a bloody home plate emblazoned on their chest? This shocking shirt will ensure a trip to the principal's office and possibly child protective services.

Reds Cubs Hat

For you Cubs fans who also cheer for the Cincinnati Reds, say hello to this confusing cap which you can use to accessorize your Dusty Baker costume!

Cubs Junkie Flat

I'm not sure whether these are the ugliest shoes of all time or the most overpriced shoes of all time, but the appropriately named "junkie flats" remind me of a few "junkie flats" I've been inside. One thing is certain, your average junkie couldn't afford them, but would wear them if they found them in a dumpster where they belong.

Cubs Shoe Tree

Finally, if your small "junkie flats" are too small, why not pick up this handsome Cubs shoe tree? No single act of fandom could show your Cubbie pride more than stretching your shoes with a Cubs shoe stretcher. A must have for any fan with freakishly growing feet!

Well, there you have it -- the worst of the worst of the Cubs Online Clearance rack. If you're throwing a Halloween party this year, and you order today, it might not be too late to receive these items in time to decorate your house with this massacre of a memorabilia menagerie. Or you could give this ghoulish gear out to the costumed kiddies this Friday. Though handing out these chilling collectibles would be far more trick than treat.