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'Twas The Night Before Cubs-Mas

BCB's Danny Rockett recounts a Christmas Eve visit from Tom Ricketts and the Cubs

Danny Rockett

EDITOR'S NOTE: Unbeknownst to me, Danny was working on this at the same time I was working on my own parody, posted earlier today. This one's a little more modern. Hope you like both. -- Al

'Twas the night before Cubs-mas, I’m drinking a stout.
The weather was crappy so I didn’t go out.
Chicago was busy lamenting the Bears,
But I’m just a Cubs fan, so I don’t really care.

Watching games from last April and I should go to bed,
But I wanna watch Edwin Jackson beat the Reds
He looks so swag and handsome in his Cubbie Cap,
Too bad the rest of the year he pitched like crap.

When out the window on my Uptown cul-de-sac,
I saw someone drive up in a swank Cadillac.
It looked out of place in this rough neighborhood,
Guys in cars like these are usually up to no good.

I couldn’t see well cause of the rainyish snow,
At least it’s not last year at 20 below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
Tom Ricketts with a case of Goose Island beer!

I cannot believe it! It’s the Cubbies' boss!
I probably should go help him, he must be lost.
Then out of the Caddy, in a 40-man stream,
Came all of the Cubbies! This must be a dream!

"Now, Rizzo! Now, Castro! Now Baez and Lester!
On, Soler! Montero! On, Jake Arrieta!
We’ve come here to pitch! Hit it over the wall!
The Cubs came to play! Yes! It’s time to play ball!"

As snow drifted down from the Chicago skies,
The Cubs started to play, hitting grounders and flies.
Hammel and Sweeney, and Luis Valbuena
And minor leaguers like Christian Villanueva.

And then, I heard ringing, that special ringtone,
When someone’s at my front door, it calls to my phone.
I buzzed them in, not knowing what’s in store,
When there stood Tom Ricketts at my apartment door.

He was dressed in a suit, with a sharp looking tie.
You could tell he was loaded, a successful guy.
I said, "Mr. Ricketts, what are you doing here?"
He said, "I’ve brought the Cubbies and a case of beer!"

He cracked open two of the Goose Island bottles,
And out of thin air pulled a Wrigley Field model.
"Here’s what she’ll be when she’s all reconstructed,
Video boards, bullpens, rooftop views obstructed.

With the money I’ll make from the licensing deals,
I’ll buy awesome players, put cash on the field.
I know what I’m doing as a baseball investor.
We signed Miguel Montero, Hammel and Jon Lester.

Take a look out your window! This isn’t a dream!
Theo Epstein and I put together a team!"
We watched the Cubs hit, pitch, run, catch and throw,
In Tom Skilling’s prediction of mixed rain and snow.

I said, "You’re right, Tommy! The Cubs look all right!
But they’re not safe in Uptown, especially at night!"
He said not to worry I’ve blocked off the street
With the Wrigley Field ushers who guard the box seats;

We finished our beer as we watched the Cubs play,
And like that, Ricketts and the Cubs vanished away.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
"Someday we’ll win it all on an October night!"