It's October and to no one's surprise, the Cubs are not in the playoffs. So if you're a Cubs fan or a fan of some other team whose season is over, you might be tempted to pick another team to follow.
I'm here to tell you not to. All 10 teams left in the playoffs are the most despicable, unsavory and unattractive group of people that you'd ever want to meet. They're terrible people who have done terrible things.
Here a totally serious* look at all ten teams and why you should not cheer for them.
*May not actually be serious. Some verified facts may not actually be true.
Washington Nationals: First of all, it might be spelled "Washington Nationals," but it's pronounced "Montreal Expos." Do you really want to see a city rewarded for stealing another city's team? It's bad enough that Washington collects from every state in the United States, now they're taking tribute from Canada as well.
Which leads to another reason not to cheer for the Nationals. Everyone hates Washington, right?
Nats is pronounced the same way as "gnats," and gnats are annoying. So are Nats.
I once had "Natitude." I got a good whupping for it.
Finally, Bryce Harper is personally responsible for a national shortage of eyeblack.
St. Louis Cardinals: There is no good reason to cheer for the St. Louis Cardinals. They're named after the cardinal red of their uniforms, not the bird. Red is the color of communism and the Devil. Before each game, each player on the Cardinals is required to swear fealty to Satan and sacrifice a small mammal in his unholy name. (That's unconfirmed.)
The Cardinals have "The Best Fans In Baseball."
So if you are a Satan-worshipping loudmouth who loves Communism and hates America, you definitely should be cheering for the St. Louis Cardinals.
Pittsburgh Pirates: You may think that "Pittsburgh Pirates" is just some kind of goofy alliteration, but the team is actually has a long history of piracy. They earned their name in the 1890s when their owner also owned the Louisville Colonels and he traded all of Louisville's best players to Pittsburgh for a pile of nothing. Without any real players, the Louisville franchise was forced to disband. What happened to those players traded to Louisville? They got assigned back to Pittsburgh. Pretty good deal, getting an entire team for nothing. The Native Americans on Manhattan got a better deal. The Pirates plundered Louisville and left nothing but a smoking ruin in its place.
As a team-building exercise in the late 1970s, Willie Stargell took the entire "We Are Family" Pirates team on an off-season cruise on his yacht in the Caribbean. The team spent their winter seizing oil tankers and selling them on the international black market. This led to gas shortages throughout the United States and long lines at the pumps. (Also unconfirmed.)
Mustard should only be on your uniform if you're eating a hot dog in the dugout. Their team colors are a crime against fashion.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Let's see. The Dodgers move out west from Brooklyn. Chavez Ravine was a vibrant working-class Latino community, and all those families had their houses seized on the promise that they would be allowed to move back into the modern housing developments that were to be built there. Instead, they built Dodger Stadium and they told those families if they wanted to live in their old neighborhood, they could buy season tickets.
No other team these days exemplifies "money makes right" more than the Dodgers. Not even the Yankees. So if you think the World Series should go to the team that has the largest limit on their credit cards, cheer for the Dodgers.
The Dodgers care so much about their fans that they can't be bothered to televise any of their games. There are rumors the games are televised, but like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster, no one has actually ever seen one on TV.
Finally, Tommy Lasorda is a liar. I cut him once in the prison court yard when we were both doing time at Folsom in the early 80s and his blood bleeds just as red as everyone else's. (Story may not be 100% accurate.)
San Francisco Giants: Talk about a team full of liars. You buy a ticket to see the San Francisco Giants and guess what? They're all about the same size as all the other players! There is nothing "giant" about them! Talk about a disappointment. I was expecting so much more.
The Giants already won the World Series in 2010 and 2012. For them to win it all again in 2014 is not only rude and selfish, it's way too obsessive-compulsive. It would probably kill them to win it in an odd-numbered year.
The Giants are keeping the Athletics out of San Jose. They're like a guy who says to his buddy "Yeah, I'm married, but you can't go out with my wife's hot little sister because if I ever get divorced, I might want to marry her instead." They even threaten to get a court order if his buddy even thinks of asking her out.
Baltimore Orioles: First of all, it's spelled "Baltimore Orioles" but it's pronounced "St. Louis Browns." Once again, we have a team of thieves looking to benefit from their crimes.
The Orioles are just as selfish as the Giants, telling everyone that even though they were married to Baltimore, no one could ask Washington out on a date because they were saving her for later. But unlike the Giants, no one listens to them and the Expos married Washington anyway.
Beyond that, the Orioles are full of miscreants. For example, did you know?
...Adam Jones only tips 18%, even if he gets superior service?
...J.J. Hardy always suggests that the team splits the tab evenly, even when he orders an appetizer and a desert and no one else does?
...Chris Tillman once forgot his parents' anniversary?
...Nick Markakis loved the endings of both "How I Met Your Mother" and "Lost"?
(all of those are unconfirmed)
Detroit Tigers: The Tigers are owned by Mike Illitch, who founded and owns Little Caesar's Pizza. If you've ever tasted a Little Caesar's pizza, that's all the reason you need, really.
The Tigers have won the AL Central four years in a row now. They haven't come close to winning a World Series. Why set yourself up for more disappointment?
You're not dating Kate Upton and you don't want to cheer for someone who is.
Kansas City Royals: This one is tough. The Royals haven't been to the playoffs since 1985. They have a tiny payroll. You never hear of any of their players getting into trouble. (OK, this is because you've never heard of any of their players, but still...) They don't wear their powder blue uniforms often enough, but that's small potatoes.
Honestly, the Kansas City Royals are too good to be true. And that raises the question: Are they actually true? Do they actually exist? No one has actually seen them play. And those that say they have never get a good look at them. You don't want to be cheering for them and see Bud Selig hand Ned Yost the World Series trophy, only to have Ned Yost rip off his mask and reveal himself to be Tony La Russa. Alex Gordon might just be Barry Bonds in disguise after he's found some new untraceable PED that turns you into Alex Gordon. Eric Hosmer could be Jeff Kent in disguise.
Seriously, you can't risk the possibility that the Royals are a massive conspiracy. Plus, you are no doubt sick of that Lorde song by now.
Los Angeles Angels: Or whatever they're calling themselves these days. No team moves without actually moving more than the Angels do. Do you want the Angels to win the World Series trophy, only to have them scratch out the nameplate and write their new name in when they inevitably change it again?
The Angels spend nearly as much money as the Dodgers do, but not nearly as intelligently. I think Gary Matthews Jr. is still on the payroll. They're a trust-fund kid who overpays for everything because they think it will make people like them.
The best player in their history was Tim Salmon. Now, their best player is Mike Trout. What do they have against mammals? I say you stick with your own taxonomic class within the animal kingdom.
When he played for the Angels, Reggie Jackson tried to kill Queen Elizabeth.
Oakland Athletics: Or should I say Kansas City Athletics? Or Philadelphia Athletics? Or San Jose Athletics? You can't say that the Athletics are stolen from another city because they're never in one place long enough to be from anywhere. They're baseball's equivalent of your ne'er-do-well cousin who is always asking you for money and if they can crash on your couch.
If the Athletics do win, then Billy Beane's (stuff) does work in the playoffs and he no longer has an excuse for not winning over the past 16 seasons.
While the Athletics say they keep moving to find a better stadium and better attendance, the truth is much more insidious. The Athletics have actually been looking for the Lost Dutchman's Mine. They left Philadelphia in search of it in Kansas City. When they realized that there were no other gold mine strikes in Missouri, they headed out for California. They've spent 45 years looking for gold underneath the Oakland-Alameda Coliseum, which they intentionally keep as a dump to throw claim jumpers off the scent. Now that they've finally given up on finding a lost mine in Oakland, they've decided it might be in San Jose. They also know that the secret map to lost gold is located inside the base of the World Series trophy, where it was hidden by Albert Spalding. If they win, they plan on dropping the charade of playing baseball and live on the riches of lost motherlode. Then we'll only have 29 teams and scheduling will be a nightmare. (The preceding paragraph may contain some factual errors.)
So there you have it. There is no one to cheer for in the playoffs. You'll just have to watch for the Bud Light commercials. "Now my friends, the time has come . . ."