The sky is falling, said the Chicken Little Cubs fan! With one of the worst spring records in all of baseball, one lousy home run out of Kris Bryant and Kyle Schwarber combined, and now we have to deal with Blistergate, the rare horrible start by Jake Arrieta on Thursday against the Giants, where he only recorded one out. The problem with Jake being so relaxed and happy from his constant yoga, is that he never gets callous. Which is pretty much what he needs right now, according to ESPN's team of baseball callous experts.
Jake's thumb blister popped along with his spring ERA, a lofty 8.53 in a paltry 6⅓ spring innings. That is, of course if you don't count the parade of minor leaguers he mowed down in a game on the back fields a week ago. I was at that game, and some of the batters were taking Bugs Bunny swings against him.
But since Thursday, I've heard the rumblings of nervous Cubs fans feeling like this year is off on the wrong foot. It might be. But it's a long season, and even the best teams, Championship teams, like all teams, go through tough times. Who cares if Jake misses opening day? It would be disappointing, yes, but honestly. Let's not freak out about every little thing. Not just yet anyway.
During the strange opening to Thursday's game against the Giants and Madison Bumgarner, who incidentally has also been roughed up quite a bit this Spring, good for an 11.12 ERA in 11 innings, I took Jake's blistering exit from the game as an inspiring opportunity, quickly composing a one liner parody of the Violent Femmes' "Blister in the Sun." "Everything's Fine! He's got a blister on his thumb!". And then, Jorge Soler lost a ball in the setting sun, and I sang "Everything's Fine! Jorge lost it in the sun!". And then, the Giants went up 7-1 after the second inning, and I sang, "Everything's Fine! We can still score seven runs!".
It put a great song in my head from the acoustic punk heroes The Violent Femmes. I wore this album out while playing Nintendo's "Baseball Stars" when I was 14 years old, and simply couldn't pass up the opportunity to fully realize the "Blister on His Thumb" parody before it's forgotten yesterday's news. (I'll make a music video if this blister story never pops...I mean stops.)
But seriously! Everyone chill and enjoy that the 2016 baseball season has nearly arrived. Otherwise I'll be forced to parody Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax".
"Blister on His Thumb" is song seven of the 2016 Cubs Canon and the season hasn't even begun! The Beatles had the "White Album," I'll make the "Blue Album"...