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“I Didn’t Come Here For A Haircut”

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A John Lackey song!

I Came For Jewelry
Joe Ingram

A week or so ago, Al Yellon wrote me that his friend Mike suggested I write one of my song parodies about John Lackey’s press conference, in which he said: “I didn’t come here for a haircut, I came for jewelry.” I replied, “Great idea, but that turn of phrase is so good, it’s gotta be an original country song.” So, I sat down with the guitar, and within a few hours, I had the bones of the tune.

As I started recording, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to open up the song to collaboration. So I contacted my band, Bad Teenage Moustache, who are learning and recording their parts today, along with trombonist Will Baker, who absolutely killed it on his brother’s song, “The Ballad of John Baker.”

Plus! I lucked into a recording session with Canadian violist Bexy Ashworth, who just happened to be in Chicago because her Cubs fan husband Kevin had a wedding to attend in Wisconsin (we caught a couple Cubs games too). So, I borrowed a violin from a friend and we laid down some sweet fiddle tracks on Saturday. Man! Cubs fans are so talented!

I also posted the lyrics on social media asking for some Photoshop hilarity of John Lackey blinged out in jewelry for the upcoming music video and received some great pics in return — including the doctored pic by Joe Ingram that lives atop this article!

But I need more! So, if you wanna have a little Photoshop fun over the weekend, doctor up a few photos of John Lackey wearing jewelry, and I’ll include them in the music video for the “Haircut” song. Send them to sonranto@gmail.com by Sunday night please!

I don’t usually share songs in demo form before they are ready, but to get a little inspiration going, here is a rough mix demo with me singing, and playing guitar and banjo, and Bexy on violin. The drums are just a canned loop. As I mentioned above, Will Baker and Bad Teenage Moustache are going down on this track today. (Cubs off days are great for long recording sessions!)

Here’s the demo track with lyrics posted below. Send me your Lackey pics!

My name is John Lackey and I pitch for the Cubbies

And I didn’t come here for a haircut, I came for jewelry

And every night I dream about wearing camouflage and gold

When we win the World Series that crazy night in Chicago

I’ll wear diamond-studded earrings emblazoned with a Cubby C

I’ll get Ernie Banks embossed in gold and silver on my teeth

I’ll platinum plate my cowboy boots so that everyone can see

That I didn’t come here for a haircut, I came for jewelry

No I didn’t come here for a haircut, I came for jewelry

I’m here to be a champion and win the World Series

Don’t worry bout my hairdo, it looks just fine to me

Cause I didn’t come here for a haircut, I came for jewelry

Golden necklace medallion of good old Harry Caray

Shiny red-blue bracelet made of sapphires and rubies

But the ring upon my finger, it glitters and it gleams

And says Cubs World Series Champions of 2016

No, I didn’t come here for a haircut, I came for jewelry

I’m here to be a champion and win the World Series

So don’t worry bout my hairdo, it looks just fine to me

Cause I didn’t come here for a haircut, I came….

I didn’t come here for a haircut, I came for jewelry

I’m here to be a champion and win the World Series

So don’t worry bout my hairdo, it looks just fine to me

Cause I didn’t come here for a haircut, I came for jewelry