MLB Bullets is an embarrassment

Does anyone remember what the Cubs’ record was after nine games this season?

• The Marlins are coming to town, so lock up your children and pets as a titanic battle is sure to ensue. Just kidding. As R.J. Anderson notes, the Marlins are not only the worst team in the majors, they are on-pace to have the worst full-season run differential since the infamous 1899 Cleveland Spiders.
• Marlins team president Derek Jeter fired the team’s business manager because for some reason, fans aren’t paying to watch the worst team in the sport. Jeter actually denied he was fired because of attendance, simply saying that “expectations weren’t met” but that attendance was a problem. As that piece in Deadspin notes, Jeter traded away every good player on the team and now he’s mad that the team isn’t winning more and drawing more fans.
• Although as Devan Fink notes, there’s one bright spot on the 2019 Marlins and that’s pitcher Caleb Smith. Fink looks at how Smith manages it, but the stat that gets me is that Smith has a 1.0 WAR so far this year. The rest of the team has an aggregate WAR of 0.2. (Also, the Marlins got Smith from the Yankees for basically international pool money that New York hoped to use to sign Shohei Ohtani. So you can’t say every trade the Marlins have made under Jeter has been terrible.)
• On the flip side, the Twins spent some money this offseason. Not a ton of money, but a lot of money for the Twins. They’ve been rewarded with first place in the American League Central so far. Jonah Keri writes that the Twins absolutely are contenders and outlines how the team managed this turnaround. (The Athletic sub. req.)
• The Rays are still in first place in the AL East, thanks in part to pitcher Tyler Glasnow. Michael Baumann looks at how the Rays turned a pitcher considered a disappointment in Pittsburgh into a Cy Young-candidate in Tampa Bay. Glasnow says the change has been in his head, not his arm.
• Ben Clemens also takes a look at how good Glasnow has been this season.
• Craig Edwards wants to introduce you to Royals third baseman Hunter Dozier, whom he calls the best hitter you’ve never heard of. Or, probably more accurately, the best hitter you totally forgot about and didn’t realize is hitting .346 with seven home runs and a .448 OBP so far this year.
• The Nationals fired hitting coach Derek Lilliquist, which is news but not really a big deal. But many people are upset that the Nats had told new pitching coach Paul Menhart that he had the job three days before they told Lilliquist he was fired. So Lilliquist coached two or three games without knowing he’d been fired, even though presumably many of the people he was dealing with knew. (It’s hard to believe manager Dave Martinez didn’t know, for example.)
• Angels DH Albert Pujols has some advice for Blue Jays rookie Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Pujols also remembers how nice and helpful Guerrero Sr. was to him when he was a rookie, even though they didn’t play on the same team.
• The Reds hit back-to-back-to-back home runs on three consecutive pitches off Giants pitcher Jeff Samardzija on Sunday.
• One of those home runs was hit by Derek Dietrich while he was wearing an eye-black Fu Manchu mustache.
• The Reds released outfielder Matt Kemp.
• R.J. Anderson looks at what teams might be interested in signing Kemp.
• Speaking of another player who was great a decade ago but not so good now, Tigers DH Miguel Cabrera blames his lack of home runs this year (he has one) on the fact that he has no protection in the lineup. Cabrera does have a solid .362 OBP this year, but that’s not what a team expects out of a 1B/DH guy.
• Tigers manager Ron Gardenhire called Cabrera’s comments “kind of a little crazy.” Of course, Gardenhire was saying that there were good hitters behind Cabrera and not that the idea of “lineup protection” is more than a little crazy.
• Michael Beller looks at how Braves second baseman Ozzie Albies has become a better hitter while his plate discipline got worse.
• The Yankees placed pitcher James Paxton on the injured list with left knee inflammation.
• Yankees also announced that ace pitcher Luis Severino will be out until at least the All-Star Break. This will teach the Yankees not to drink Jobu’s rum.
• Mets pitcher Steven Matz is having his elbow examined after dealing with nerve irritation in his left forearm.
• The Dodgers signed recently-released catcher Travis d’Arnaud.
• Pitcher Jake Peavy officially retired. Does that mean the Cubs aren’t going to trade for him after all?
• Former major leaguer Lars Anderson writes that he has retired and about why he made that decision. Anderson had been playing in Germany, mostly for the fun of it. He’d also played in Australia. Anderson also talks about what he will and will not miss about the game.
• Angels pitcher (former Cub!) Trevor Cahill became the first pitcher to ever throw in a major league game in four different countries when he took the mound for the Mexico Series this weekend. A few minutes later, Astros pitcher Wade Miley became the second. Both Cahill and Miley pitched for the Diamondbacks in the 2014 Australia series.
• A fan wanted to meet Reds outfielder Yasiel Puig before he went in for his 40th surgery. Good news. #PuigYourFriend.
• Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia dressed up like Yoda for Star Wars Day on May 4. Except I kind of think he looks more like Shrek.
• In 2001, Braves pitcher Greg Maddux did a commercial for a regional supermarket where he showed a cute young kid some baseball tips. Maddux said “At Ingles, one quick stop is all you need to feed a whole roster of future big leaguers.” That cute kid was Athletics outfielder Skye Bolt and he made his major league debut on Friday.
• And finally, I put this in the Minor League Wrap on Friday but not all of you read that and you really need to see it. Myrtle Beach Pelicans pitcher Javier Assad made the play of the year when he bobbled a bunt down the first base line and then kicked the ball to first to get the out.

And tomorrow will be a better day than today, Buster.