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Cub Tracks’ house of whacks

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win or bust, it might be up to the kids, iceberg babies, and other bullets

Statuesque
David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

Lizzie Borden took 41 whacks. I think the Reds had that many homers in the second inning. Kyle Hendricks was statuesque in that his pitches just sorta stood there and said “hit me very far.” Just ugh, and also ack! and Ooooof! and Poit! Thank you, Don Martin, and thank you, Svengoolie. Thank you too, dear reader. Ber-wyn!

Oh gawd. I wonder if even Al watched that whole thing. I’m gonna be honest and admit that I turned the game off in the fourth and went back to binging Mayans M.C., which doesn’t have the charismatic performances nor the crazed panache of Sons of Anarchy but does have plenty of irony and brutality, both of which nourish my cold old heart.

Not so nourishing was the Cubs game, wherein the Cubs were once again, unironically, unmasked as a lousy road club, and the viewing of which was truncated, as mentioned a couple of sentences ago. It left a taste in my mouth not unlike Skyline Chili, which my taste buds abhor like cats abhor Whit Bissell. Brutal! I know, these jokes suck like a half-horse shop vac doing liposuction, so let’s just join today’s Cubs News and Notes, already in progress. As always, * means autoplay on, or annoying ads, or both (directions to remove for Firefox and Chrome). {$} means paywall. {$} means limited views.

Food for thought:

Thanks for reading.