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Yet another interview with simCubs (mis)manager Brandon Palmer

simCubs weekly feature, allegedly

Brandon Palmer would be the first to tell that he thinks some of the simCubs are getting shafted if they don’t appear in next week’s All-Star Game here in simLand.

But this may in fact be the case, as Kyle Hendricks looks to be the only starter looking at a berth as Jon Lester has faded a bit and Ryan Yarbrough has spent half a season in each league.

“Let me be the first to tell you,” says Palmer from his podium in an empty conference room. “I think one or more of my players are gonna get shafted in terms of All-Star appearances. But I think ... “ he pauses to wipe his eyes on his sleeve. “All of our guys are All-Stars!”

Oh this guy. His ways defy logic. That Belgian booze he favors must have psychoactive properties. Or maybe it’s the Matrix ...

“This is much better,” he says, addressing the cameras. “I don’t know why the players wouldn’t like it. Nobody asking dumb questions, no bad suit jackets or loud ties or ladles of cologne or perfume.

“I’m pleased to bring you my weekly press conference from an antisocial distance,” he says, pronouncing each word carefully so that we can see how clever he’s being. “Just to get a taste of how the other half lives.”

“Now. Professor should be there, hands down. Luzardo is so close. He might sneak by Strasburg, He should. I like him better. Great kid. Million-dollar arm, billion-dollar head. I want ten of him.

“Winkler might sneak in, that’d be great. He’s been nails all year. Kimbrel is third in the voting. That’s just sad. But he has 500,000 votes so maybe he gets in.

“Willie’s gonna start, it looks like. Narvaez is mounting a late charge but they’ll both make it.

“Anthony, well, Freddie Freeman’s got him by 75K. He’ll be a reserve. KB likewise, Turner just has too big a lead with three voting days left. These guys, though, they vote with their bats, so things can change.

“Javy’s gonna start. Bote and Kipnis can use the rest. The two of them combined are the best second baseman in both leagues, though. Even better than they guy Theo traded for the guy you don’t like.

“Ian’s gonna start in center. Kyle’s had kind of a down year with the average and JHey just has too much competition. But Happer has truly broken out. He’s all over the leaderboards nowadays:

“You know who’s not getting any mention? Guys like Tepera and Millsy, who have been nails all year and they just disappear when awards or money are forthcoming. Why a save is better than a hold, I don’t know.

“I want those guys to know that I appreciate them. I’d really appreciate if they keep on doing it. Millsy’ll be back soon. He’s a pro. Fried is a good player but he hasn’t yet gotten the knack. They’re both gonna look good in my rotation next year, though, I can tell you that. And Luzardo. We still have Hendricks and we can give Yarbrough a nice raise at arbitration time and we’ll be dangerous.”

Piped-in applause sounds in the press room.

Palmer bowed. “Thanks. We might do it this way from now on. I hate being interrupted when I have one of my rare thoughts.”


“I’ll pray for you guys.”

Hosannas. An angelic choir.

“If anyone has any questions, I’ll be in my office. With the door locked.”


“Just slip them under the door.”