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Another interview with simCubs (mis)manager Brandon Palmer

He does bad substitutions and regularly sends the wrong pinch-hitter to the plate but somehow his team is a zillion games over .500. Plus he’s hilarious.

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Well, we had to let Ray Renfield go, as he wouldn’t leave the belfry and instead became a barfly. He vowed to never drink wine but he took it too far ... all the way to London, in fact. So I’ll be conducting interviews myself. Today we have a press conference — Brandon Palmer addressed the press after the game, clutching the latest issue of his favorite magazine. We refused to let him disappear and instead pelted him with questions about his game management, which is mysterious.

Anonymous beat writer — Brandon, how come you didn’t send David Bote up to face the left-handed pitcher in the seventh?

BP — I was actually not very happy with David as he wasn’t at hand at that particular time. The umpires weren’t willing to wait until he was done with his personal business back in the clubhouse, so I had to send up another player. It worked out in the end that he was working out his end.

ABW — You mean Bote was pinching a, er, loaf, and therefore wasn’t available?

BP — Yes, exactly. He was indisposed at the time.

ABW — Now that’s what I call a scoop!

BP — Well, better that than he rushes through an at-bat because he needs to drop a log. Now can we talk about something more pleasant?

ABW — Of course.

BP — Otherwise I’ll just go sit in my office and read my book.

Another beat writer — Can you tell us if Johan Camargo is coming back soon? He wasn’t playing at all, but he’s such a good player. I’m guessing that he’s in Iowa getting the feel again ...

BP — Well, you know how it goes. He needs an injury or slump to happen, or a trade. and we’re nearly forty games over .500. I don’t anticipate any trades unless someone knocks our socks off. Nico Hoerner is probably here to stay — he’s prove that he can handle the big leagues, but he doesn’t have a regular spot — yet. So, realistically, Steven Souza Jr. and Ian Miller are the guys on the bubble. Miller has those wheels, so he probably has the upper hand. And Souza knows that. He isn’t hitting but he walks a bit and he’ a very good fielder.

ABW — Miller was safe, wasn’t he?

BP — Yeah, pretty clearly. But the game doesn’t usually do objections unless it’s a human-controlled game. So I just have to eat those situations. It’s not like I can petition San Diego Studios with prayer. Hell, they don’t even answer emails.

Yet another beat writerAnthony Rizzo is leading the league in home runs. Do you expect him to do that all year?

BP — Sure, why not? Ian Happ and Willson Contreras are hot on his heels and both have more ribeyes than Anthony, but it’s a really friendly kind of competition. Craig Kimbrel is tied for the lead in saves, and Javier Baez is second in stolen bases, I think. Our pitching staff is all over the leader boards.

YABW — The Rays are all over their league boards, too.

BP — That’s right! This should be a fun little series. I’m looking forward to seeing Jose Quintana again, too. Q is a good guy, and he’s done okay since he went over there. I’m also fond of Ryan Yarbrough, who is a swell kid, kind of a left-handed Kyle Hendricks with that cutter/changeup set he features.

And of course we have the two games with the White Sox coming up, and close out before the break with the Braves, so we have some challenging assignments coming up. I’m looking forward to them. The guys in the clubhouse are too.

I’m told the White Sox series is being played for pizza. The losing team picks up the tab. If we win, then we eat Lou Malnati’s, and if we lose, we eat Home Run Inn. Nobody loses at that kind of game. Those are good times.

Except that we have to play in their place. I like our place better. That’ll happen just after the break. We have a lot of guys due to play in the All-Star game, too. I’ll talk about that next time, people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a Nixon myself, and start my book.

Beat writers, bloggers, and assorted scribes and tv people — Thanks Brandon!

BP — Ciao!