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Cub Tracks dolls it up

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So I was talking to the last man on earth, and I said to him, “Here at CUB TRACKS NEWS AND NOTES™, we have news for you. Adbert Alzolay was more or less a victim of the (lack of) offense. He gets too much plate sometimes and forgets that he has a decent changeup. Maybe he’s afraid of it. I used to be afraid of my changeup when I pitched, as a little too much plate and it’s on top of spaghetti, so I’d throw the cheese in the same location, with the same result. He threw it well today, though.”

“The Cubs’ offense,” he riposted, “well, it is what it is. This group tries hard and they make some contact but there’s something wrong with Cub bats this year. Maybe swamp ash is cursed, I don’t know. I keep expecting a Zuni doll to run out on the field, going iyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi...

“Anyway the Cubs can’t seem to dial up a connection sometimes. The White Sox are a good young team. You know the drill, I mean, you get the point,” he said between his teeth, chomping on his cigar.

“One hard-hit ball, one walk, those were the difference through five. A flyspeck in the sands of time, as it were. There only so many pretty dresses you can force the truth to don before you remember that this is a bad ballclub, and that ‘they’ probably did it this way on purpose,” I said. “You think Tom Ricketts actually gives a hang about what we think? Heh. If he did he’d send Jed to Toastmasters or something. Maybe some burnt offerings would do.”

“Gawd, I know. It all makes me stabby,” he said, polishing his blade. He gazed at me significantly, my face reflecting in his shades.

I smiled then, real big, so he could see my nice sharp teeth. “It’s people,” I laughed.

Later, while I was alone in my room, a knock came at the door.

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With apologies to Richard Matheson, Harry Harrison, and Fredric Brown. And you, dear reader. Thanks for reading.